Monthly Archives: May 2008

Summary Of Second Quarter Grant Proposals

By: Michael Kaplan

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To: Donald Devenaugh

Re: 2nd Quarter Grant Proposals to Devenaugh Family Foundation

We had an unusual spike in submissions over the past three months, attributed (I believe) to the recent publicity over the foundation’s generous gifts to Delaware and Philadelphia Hospice and, to a lesser extent, your son’s leave of absence from Swarthmore.

Kids Love Freedom. Start-up program designed to teach K-6 students about America’s support of democracy, independence, and First Amendment rights throughout the world. Project elements include a rotating series of speakers, weeklong “emanciparticipations,” and semi-permanent installations at elementary schools throughout the Eastern Pennsylvania area. [Full Disclosure: Max Devenaugh is the proposed Executive Director.]

Comment: Disqualified. Please speak with Max about this.

Identity Reunification. Support Center for victims of ID theft unable to make a smooth return to identities of origin. Symptomatic behavior can include chronic mistrust, changing last names to unpronounceable words, shredding random household items. Requesting seed money for educational brochures and a 24-hour hotline.

Comment: Ground floor of potential new disorder. Let’s grab it.

HASPICE (Helpful and Supportive People in Collective Enterprise)

Comment: Not Hospice. Five people selling health insurance.

SIMphony Hall. Capital development request for planned construction along with additional endowment to establish fellowships for composers promoting the meta-universal language of music through live immersive webcast premieres in state-of-the-art venue enabling audience members to vote on favorite melodic themes and reshape compositions in real time according to majority desire.

Comment: Request timeline. (Always nicer than saying no.)

Rolo House Project. The historical preservation and restoration of Dwight Rolo’s childhood home, located in Hartford, Connecticut. Relics and objets d’art from early 1980’s and 90’s will be preserved and put on permanent display with interpretative signage. Original parlor oak book cases will be transferred to an upstairs guest room and replaced with a state of the art wet bar. First year of project will incorporate phased digital transfers of over one hundred vinyl comedy albums, videotapes of vintage television shows and “several thousand” DC and Marvel comic books, all of which will be loaded onto master entertainment center made available for research purposes. Budget includes annual salary for docent/curator.

Comment: Friend of Max’s.

Attention Deficit Disorder Cure-a-thon. Requesting 25K from Devenaugh Foundation to hire second FTE dedicated to donor/volunteer database/future fundraising/matching in-kind donation drives with integrated component of staff training/cultural competence/ non-discrimination/marketing-outreach/revised vision statement/maybe a 30-foot quilt everybody works on together.

Comment: Resubmitting.

Great Inner-City Focus Challenge. Pilot program to help inner-city school children with their work and mental acuity in the classroom by providing them with Crickles™ — a light, cheesy snack that settles the stomach and concentrates the mind.

Comment: Not a nonprofit.

HOSPYS (Harmony Outside Satan’s Predatory Yoke of Sin)

Comment: Not Hospice. Foundation does not fund religious organizations.

Rethinking Rehab. Tolerance and greater understanding of economic class divisions are explored through a full observation of the drug and alcohol treatment process. Celebrities and ordinary addicts will keep highly detailed journals of their progress through detoxification programs, eventually trading places at their respective facilities.

Comment: Foundation does not fund reality TV.

Prescience Friends. Start-up Institute devoted to strengthening multitasking capacity in transitional youth (ages 16-21) demonstrating leadership skills. Program features modulated overlapping of locomotion, outcome-based instruction, pleasure stimulus, tactile cognition and modified stress.

Comment: Possible assassin factory. Request staff histories.

Last-Minute Crisis Center. Hotline for people who can’t find their keys.

Comment: Not the worst idea.

Community Strength Coalition. Delaware-based grassroots advocacy organization devoted to target population outreach, volunteer recruitment, program analysis, and strength-based community approaches. First-year goals include renewal, creating a template for urban consensus, and productive treatment of root causes of civic concern.

Comment: We suspect Max is using “Kids Love Freedom” to slip this one by you.

HOSPIS (Hands of Support Providing Instant Support)

Comment: Not Hospice. Max again.

HOSPEZ

Comment: Not Hospice. Remaindered Candy for Children’s Ward of Hospital.

Proper Goodbyes. Pittsburgh inner city children celebrate and bid farewell to species that became extinct in the last fifty years through art, adobe tile work and songs of lamentation. A traveling contingent of students led by project mascot, Mapappa, the Guam Flying Fox, will work with local youngsters to compose personal farewells to the many majestic animals that are no more.

Comment: Anything under 15K, we look like assholes.

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Syllabus For Calculus If Your Professor Is Justin Timberlake

By: Rick Stoeckel

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ASSIGNMENTS:

All homework is due at beginning of class. I will not tolerate tardiness. When I was a member of *NSYNC, each member was responsible for turning in a fresh set of lyrics at the beginning of practice on Mondays. Lance Bass used to stroll in late and hand in some last-minute napkin scribbles about flying to the moon. Nuh-uh! Not gonna fly with JT. I’m all about punctuality.

STYLE:

I’m not just going to straight up teach you The Maclaurin Polynomial of a differentiable function. I may break out into dance midway through lecture, and that may teach you more about this subject than me writing on a blackboard ever could. And maybe, just maybe my falsetto vocals are not for your pleasure alone but also to impart a valuable lesson on rationalizing substitutions.

PROCEDURE:

I may bring my girl into class, and she’ll sit in the corner and admire my lecturing. Don’t act all crazy because she’s some famous, hot lady in your class hall. Treat her normal. I’ve noticed a lot of times students try to make big deals out of little things. Last semester I asked my girl to pass me an eraser for the blackboard, and she got some chalk dust on her dress and rolled her eyes at me. Rumors spread around campus that we were breaking up. Guys! It is like you need to make up juicy stories for your own amusement. Can’t we just be a superstar couple, one who teaches calculus and the other who sits in admiration, without it generating gossip? Maybe this semester, if you’re all cool, I’ll call on my girl to act out a solution to a difficult calculus problem! Maybe I’ll get her to demonstrate vertical asymptotes. You never know!

If a piano is in the classroom when you first enter the hall, please do not play on the keys. They have been specifically tuned for me! If you do disturb the tune, then I’ll have to fly Maurice back in from France and he’ll have to retune the instrument. This will frustrate me, and there are two consequences. One: my calculus lesson may not be as entertaining as usual. Two: It may inspire me to write a song about how my calculus class broke my heart that will eventually earn me a Grammy nomination.

Sometimes I will play pranks on you guys. For example, I might put an eraser on my head, and then use my acting skills to pretend I don’t know where it went. And I may ask you, “Where is my eraser, guys?” It is just me acting loose and crazy. Please don’t take any pictures or video of me with your cell phones while I’m clowning around. The paparazzi would use the photos to cook up some insane story — probably say I’m on drugs and that I just got through impregnating someone. If you do take a photo of me in a compromising position such as with an eraser on my head, and I find out it was you who did so, this will result in the deduction of a full letter score from your final grade in the class.

If you guys don’t understand a particular equation, I may write the solution into the lyrics of a song. “I’m bringing sexy back!” could easily turn into “I’m bringing three-dimensional coordinates back!” Not only do I want you to learn, but when you do calculus I really want your body to be grooving. I want you guys to swerve and move your head and shoulders to the formulas I present.

EVALUATION:

It should be known that I highly value creativity. Sometimes I honor it above correctness. For example last semester, I put this question regarding implicit differentiation to my class: find dy/dx if

x2 + 3xy + y2 = 1

A student answered, “I don’t care, and it don’t matter.” Then he started tapping his desk and making this really ill beat. I lost it and had to break out some dance moves and cook up some fresh lyrics. He aced the class.

Much love,

Professor JT

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A&F Specialty Destroyed Pants

By: Brian Trapp

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Dear Popular and Beautiful Abercrombie & Fitch Customer,

Our records show that last year, you purchased a pair of Abercrombie & Fitch “destroyed pants.” We hope you are enjoying our subtly scarred handcrafted abrasions, over-worn fading, unique paint splattering, holes, and other designer damage inflicted on an otherwise perfect pair of jeans/khakis.

Because of your discriminating tastes, we at A&F would like to give you a heads up on A&F’s 2008 “destroyed pants” fashions. This year, we’re taking a different approach. Our vision for the “destroyed pants” line was for customers to look like they lived more adventurous lives than they really did — lives that destroyed pants.

For our 2008 line, A&F is taking that concept one step further. We are proud to introduce our limited edition specialty “destroyed pants” line: pants destroyed by actual previous owners!

Panhandle Pants:

Pants previously worn by homeless people. Never say “Get a job” again. They work for A&F now! Pants are individually decorated with a collage of wine stains, charcoal marks, patches and newspaper insulation. Also available in vintage “Hobo” edition. Note: No homeless people were hurt in the making of these pants.

Pant-aloons:

Pants previously worn by a nineteenth-century dandy. The fabric is worn down by a life of extreme leisure and decadence, mainly by long bouts of sitting, intense revels, cucumber sandwich stains, rambling walks on treacherous country estates, and of course, scuffles incited by ribald witticisms. These are hazards that come with having no profession, other than elegance (sound familiar, A&F customer?! J/K).

Cargo Pants:

Pants damaged in the transportation of goods, previously worn by Sherpas and/or Peruvian drug smugglers.

Cross-the-border Pants:

Why let illegal Mexican immigrants be the only ones on the cusp of “destroyed pants” fashion? Pants damage includes those abrasions acquired from traversing the American border, jumping over fences, hiding, forged-paper-ink stains and menial labor wear-and-tear. Note: All A&F buyer transactions were done through proxy with no actual knowledge of the wearer’s legal status.

Pant-ies:

Pants previously worn by people who wore them as underwear. Stains include everything that could happen when you do that.

Pants-a-la-Codpiece:

Pants damaged by being worn with a codpiece. The codpiece and pants’ fabric have fused, giving you that “bulgy” look (not that you would need it, young and virile customer!). Pick retro-codpieces circa fifteenth or sixteenth century, or the “millennium line,” which features the David Bowie codpiece (large), the Batman codpiece (medium) and the Barry Bonds “cup” codpiece (small and extra-small).

Land Mine Pants:

…which are more like shorts. If life gives you lemons, create lemonade! If life gives you land mines, create summer fashions.

Dress-Pants:

Regular pants that were damaged in their early years by being raised as a dress.

Trouser-Pants:

Pants previously worn by citizens of Britain. Damage includes anything that would befall a citizen living in the world’s fifth-richest country, mainly from standing in a “queue,” getting hit by a “lorry,” or smoking “fags.”

Hammer Pants:

Pants previously worn by MC Hammer, while being beaten by debt collectors with an actual hammer. Note: Hammer didn’t hurt them.

“Emperor’s New Clothes” Pants:

Pants previously owned by an emperor with a keen eye for fashion. Pants slightly damaged by time, but otherwise in impeccable condition. Note: The pants are invisible to people who are stupid, ugly and/or unfashionable. But for a mere $425, these pants will ensure that you’re not one of those people!

“Pants” Rowland Pants:

Pants previously worn by “Pants” Rowland (1879-1969), a seminal figure in minor league baseball known for his drunken temper and outlandish grass stains.

“Ants-in-your-pants” Pants:

Pants previously owned by a colony of ants. Pants damaged by a network of awesome tunnels and scattered mandible bites. Warning: Pants may contain intact egg horde and several worker drones. Vigorous dancing and shaking is recommended.

That concludes the A&F 2008 line of limited edition specialty “destroyed pants.” Thank you for living the Abercrombie & Fitch lifestyle. We hope you enjoy our dedication to high-quality, casual luxury clothing.

Sincerely,

Abercrombie & Fitch

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Friday Is Jeans Day!

By: Greg Boose

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From the Marketing and Communications Department

Hello G&K employees,

This Friday is going to be a jeans day in the downtown and Cuyahoga Falls offices for all employees. Everyone is encouraged to wear jeans and also anything with the company name or logo on it. That means company T-shirts if you have one.

This jeans day has been scheduled because of this weekend’s Friends & Families Fair taking place on Saturday (see attachment for directions and general information), but it is also going to be in honor of one of Greason & Kasper’s most beloved employees who suddenly and unexpectedly passed away late last week, Jerry Jeans.

As many of you know, Jerry Jeans worked in the Finance Department for over 37 years. He had a widely known penchant for office humor and practical jokes, and will be remembered for his ability to bring people together through laughter (and asymmetric tax explanations). On Monday we sent out a company-wide email for your favorite Jerry Jeans memories, and here are some of them:

“I loved how Jerry would always wash down a handful of vitamins/pills with a whole can of V8 juice (yuck!) on the elevator ride up to his floor every morning. If you were on that elevator with him, then you were encouraged by everyone else to chant for him to chug it, chug it, chug it. I always felt bad when he coughed up some V8 onto the floor or onto his shirt, but he always laughed at himself and wiped it up immediately. I’ll really miss him and all the humor he brought to the office.” — Gerald Nguyen, Tech Ops

“I was working late one night and I saw Jerry in the lunch room digging carefully through one of the small refrigerators. I think I really spooked him when I said hello, but then he started joking around and immediately grabbed his left arm and fell over groaning. He really got into it and rolled around and around until I left. I never laughed so hard. I remember it well because it was my daughter’s birthday that day.” — Allison Frechs, Marketing

“Everyone knew how Jerry Jeans was such a kidder, but he really had me a couple weeks ago when I walked around the corner and saw him slumped against the wall with a paper bag held to his face. I ran over and crouched down to ask if he was okay, but he just waved me off (must not have wanted me ruining the joke for the next person/victim). I couldn’t believe it. That Jerry! And it was always sweet of him when he brought in cupcakes that his wife made. She’s such a great baker.” — Nancy Thayer, Operations

“Jerry was like a father to me. On my first day (just this month on the 1st), he literally grabbed me by the arm – he had such a strong grip!!! – and showed me around until we got to his desk where he acted like he’d never sat down before. From then on I always let him mess with me and grab my arm until I escorted him over to his area. His wife wasn’t exactly the best baker, but Jerry always shared what she gave him.” — Sarah Michaels, Human Resources

“Jerry was so much fun! Whenever I was feeling down he could always put a smile on my face. One day he really broke the tension in the conference room after an important finance meeting by pretending that he lost his sight temporarily, and then when he regained his sight he said he had severe vertigo before throwing up all over my chair. Such a hoot, that guy. I’ll really miss him.” — Brian Rickers, Finance

“One thing that really sticks out about Jerry is when he called me really early one morning at home and whispered all these things I couldn’t understand. I didn’t know who it was so I ‘star-sixty-nined’ him, totally busting his prank-calling scheme. I swear I laughed all the way to the office that day and thought about how I’d get him back, but he ended up calling in sick.” — Frankie Opper, Assistant to the President

“Just last week Jerry really pulled a real doozy on the whole team by showing up in his pajamas and unshaved, acting like he didn’t recognize a soul in the room. He took it a big step further and crapped his pants right there on the spot! OMG! The place went crazy. That guy was definitely one of a kind. I can’t believe he’s gone.” — Vernon Nausette, Finance

“Jerry was absolutely loved by the lobby personnel. There were days when he would just walk right in with his tomato juice and head for the elevators, and then there were days like Thursday and Friday of last week when he just wanted to lean against the lobby wall for a while with his eyes closed. Twice he fell right to his knees. I had no idea he was such a religious man. Things won’t be the same around here.” — Lawrence Brown, Security

In honor of Jerry Jeans and his tenure at Greason & Kasper, there will be a short teleconference memorial over the Web for all G&K people on Friday. You will be able to participate live, so if you think you might know where Jerry’s telephone handset, computer keyboard, or the remote control to the 38th floor lounge can be found, please speak up then. Check our home page for the access url to join.

And please no frayed jeans or jeans with holes. Work shoes only.

Regards,

Thomas Tienick

Director of Communications

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