Shakira, Your Hips Are Full Of Crap

By: Tyler Smith

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Dear Shakira,

I hate to be the one to tell you this, but it’s true. I’ll admit, I was skeptical from the start when you claimed that your hips “don’t lie.” But, I gave you the benefit of the doubt, because I didn’t think you were like all the rest of those stuck-up American starlets with their uppity bodyguards and pepper spray. However, that was before today, when I received this letter talking about “equitable remedy” and “ex parte,” which, from what I understand, means I have to stop sending you those scrumptious oatmeal raisin cookies along with the vials of my valuable bone marrow your hips were so intent on having. Well, let me just tell you that I feel like a real ass right now, as I’m sure that your hips have been telling me outright lies for weeks, maybe even months.

“Come up on stage,” wiggled your dissembling hips, rotating, “You’ll love it up here.” Do you remember that? It was I guess around April. Well, when I sauntered up to the stage, accidentally rhino-charging those two security guards, I felt that we, or at least your hips and I, had made a real connection. But the second I managed to crawl up there, you and your hips run away and jump into a van, leaving me at the mercy of those security guard troglodytes who took great relish in pushing my nose through the back of my face. What am I supposed to believe, Shakira? Either get those hips to start speaking your language (Spanglish, am I correcto?), or stop deluding yourself into thinking they are the upstanding hips that they’re not. I’ll be honest, I’m more than a little inclined to sue the pants off your hips for leading me up there on stage that night. You know, even without a trial, these misunderstandings cost money.

“I’m not sure exactly where Shakira and I live, but I’m pretty certain we’re from Bogotá,” gyrated your ilia (the largest section of the hip bone, the ilium offers a support nexus for muscles and internal organs, and is, in your case, a remorseless agent of deception and skullduggery) after I asked where I might find you two. Remember? That’s right — while you and your hips were nice and warm inside on TRL with Carson Daly, I was freezing my gonads off downtown in front of a Radio Shack, screaming. You may not have heard me, but your hips were certainly quick to chime in. Well, naturally, I boarded a flight the next week to your fair capital in an effort to cultivate our relationship. Snake eyes, Shakira! No thanks to your full-of-crap hips, I found out that you’re not from Bogotá–as your hips would claim–you’re from Barranquilla, and even more disturbing, you live in the Bahamas! You know who told me that? It wasn’t your hips, that’s for sure. No, it was a bunch of FARC guerrillas who took me in, fed me, then shaved my testicles after I made a guerrilla/gorilla joke to break the ice.

Does this shameless deception bother you at all? (Shakira, I urge you not to show this epistle to your hips, as I’m certain they will just wiggle and bounce around in a fit of mendacity, for which I will no doubt fall — hook, line and pelvis). You know, I hope you don’t pay mind to your hips too often; whatever they’re telling you, it’s probably all lies. Did they tell you that was my kidney you got in the mail? Absolutely false (unless you need it some day due to renal failure — then maybe it was mine). I imagine your hips have been deceiving you for ages, and it makes me angry to think they might go around spreading lies about me. But they do mention me, don’t they?

Look, Shakira. Perhaps this is all one big misunderstanding. It may be the case that your hips are just jealous because they fear I’m becoming attracted to you, and you to me. Maybe it’s true. People (and often their component parts) will do the most sinister things to keep true romance at bay. It is my sincere hope that your hips will stop these childish antics and let us get to know one another as more than partial beings, but as complete, drunk and eventually nude individuals who share a great love of each other. Of course, I’ve been burned before by those hips, so before I commit to anything, you’ve got to “let me in,” okay?

And that means letting me in your heart and your security gate this time.

Cautiously,

Tyler Smith

P.S. How reliable are your elbows? I’m getting some pretty good vibes from them, but if they’re anything like your hips, then just forget it.

A Visit To The Slightly Bitchy Day Spa

By: Wendi Aarons

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Hello and welcome to our spa! Did you have a hard time finding us? I only ask because I notice you’re 15 minutes late. No, no, it’s fine. Things happen. I’m sure you didn’t mean to throw us completely off schedule today. But no worries. I’ll just make one of the new Spanish girls stay late tonight to wash the loofahs and I’m sure we’ll be back on track in the morning. Just do us a favor and at least call the next time you’re going to be late, OK? That way we won’t have to do something inconsiderate like cancel Mr. Temkin’s bi-weekly back wax again. So, who’s ready for a day of beauty!?

The Quiet Room is where you can change into one of our comfy spa robes. They’re One-Size-Fits-All, but you should be fine. I’ve seen women a lot larger than you manage to squeeze their way into them. You’ll just love how soft they are! Once you’ve changed, put all of your belongings into one of these bamboo cabinets. They don’t have locks, but there’s no need to worry. Your possessions will be completely secure. Besides, even if anyone was going to steal something, I’m sure they’d go for one of the big, expensive purses in here. Not your plastic Merona satchel. Now, enjoy!

Hello, again. Looks like I’ll be your masseuse since you changed your mind and don’t want a male after all. No, it’s OK. Jonathan said he’s actually relieved he doesn’t have to rub down another menopausal member of the Junior League today. Isn’t he hilarious? But regardless, you’re in good hands because it takes a woman to know a woman. Of course, my body’s a little different because I eat right and exercise and use a little something called sunscreen, but basically, women’s bodies are all the same until they’re ravaged by childbirth, don’t you think? So just lie back and relax and don’t for one second be self-conscious about your naked body underneath that thin sheet. We see all types here. Yours probably isn’t even one we’ll gossip about in the break room later.

Facial time! Now, what’s this I hear from Lupita about you thinking you’re allergic to our Seaweed Salvation mask? No, of course I want to believe you. I just wish you could have told us that before we spent four weeks negotiating with those greedy Japanese fishermen. But never mind. Let’s just take a look at your skin under the magnifying glass. Oh, my. I haven’t seen pores this clogged since I went to Comic-Con 2007 with my brother Terry. Funny your wrinkles don’t absorb some of that oil. But don’t you worry, because a simple glycolic peel with an apricot base can really work wonders. Or are you allergic to that, too?

Guess who? I know you requested Monica for your pedicure, but since she’s busy with some of our important clients right now, you got me instead. But at least we’re used to each other by now. In fact, it’s been kind of like spending the day with my mother! Is that the polish you’ve chosen? No, I actually do like it because an electric red hue on your toes will totally draw attention away from your heels. Smart choice. Now let’s get you started soaking so your skin has a chance to soften up. Oh, and since I had to skip lunch to take care of your feet, there’s a chance I might pass out while I’m buffing. If I do, could you just turn off the foot whirpool and dial “9” for the front desk? Use the code word “vapors.” Thanks a bunch.

Time for you to check out already? I’ll just put today’s total on your card. Most people also leave a 30 percent gratuity, but that’s just a suggestion. You do what you feel is fair. Anyway, thank you so much for spending the day with us! I hope you feel better than you did when you came in. You certainly look better. Now, before you go, would you like me to book your next appointment? Maybe a hot rock massage? No, no that’s fine. We can just try to squeeze you in once you’ve made up your mind. I’m sure your schedule is almost as crazy as ours. Now, you take care and come back soon, OK? Because between you and me, I think you still might be a little tense.

And Another Message from the LABBA Email List Serve Group

By: Greg Boose

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Hello Again Everyone,

Sorry…Forgive me again! But as a really quick follow-up email to the email I just sent out 15 secs ago, I just want to say a few more things…

Number 1 (again): Michael still won’t answer his phone so I don’t know EXACTLY when he left the booth or remember if he was wearing cargo shorts or not. I just freaking tried calling him AGAIN! Like I told everyone, I was getting lemonade with Rick and his wife Sara.

Number 2: No, it wasn’t really my designated break time BUT I told Melissa R. that I was going for lemonade and would be RIGHT back. She said “Okay, Tricia.” Everyone should remember that -– and I say it all the time like at the pot luck dinners — I make the schedule and so that means I can break the schedule (like if I need to get something to survive like a freaking cold drink in the hot blazing sun).

I was there at 8 a.m. before anyone else. When did you get there?

Number 3: Yes, I’m PERFECTLY aware that Nancy and Sue lost quite a bit of merchandise and then some rare beanies fell into some dirty water. I’m also PERFECTLY aware that I’ve offered Nancy a mint Smoochy and a near-mint Legs at a huuuuuge freaking discount to replace her stolen Web (without its TY tag!!!), but she and her daughters (and cousins and sisters and I think aunts?) keep emailing me really awful notes, even though Nancy recently quit LABBA. There’s absolutely no reason to be so cruel, Nancy! (And I know that you’ve tried to unsubscribe to this group email list seven times but I’m not letting you because I still think you need to hear all this.) I’m thinking about forwarding all of those nasty and terrible emails out to everyone on this list RIGHT after I send this email. The fact that I was called a liar and something I can’t even pronounce is more hurtful than you’ll all ever know.

Ever know.

Tricia

P.S. Remember to show up at least one hour early to Isn’t That Bazaar this Saturday to set up if you are planning on selling. You’re S.O.L. if you don’t. And I need your $20 table-sharing fee up front, like always.

P.P.S. 3rd Quarter dues are due in ten days!

P.P.P.S. If you received this email like five freaking times, I’m sorry. My internet is being stupid.

Regards,

Patricia Ferris

President, Secretary, Artist and Treasurer

The Legendary Authentic Beanie Babies Association

MissTrishy@hotmail.com

DIRECTIONS FOR THE L.A.B.B.A. EMAIL LIST SERVE

1. To remove yourself from the LABBA email list serve group, you must send a message to listserv@mail.pleasebuymybeaniebabies.org with the subject saying: “SIGNOFF LABBA –- I gave up when the demand told me to, and now I’ve let everyone else still in the group down.”

2. To enroll in, or to be considered for, the LABBA email list serve group, you must send a COMPLETE list of your beanie baby collection -– highlighting any prize or rare pieces like an Authenticated 2nd Gen Humphrey The Camel, a Tabasco The Bull, a Princess Diana Bear, any retired beanies, or anything from the Woodland Collection -– to these three people: ROBERTFERRIS@comcast.net, LarryRofflan@aol.com, and MissTrishy@hotmail.com. Send bios and a picture of you and your beanie babies set up in a circle around the base of any lawn statue or set up on some front steps to MissTrishy@hotmail.com. You will receive a congratulatory or other email in less than 14 days.

3. Please address questions concerning club dues and “counterfeit” swimming pool coupons to MissTrishy@hotmail.com. Address questions concerning insurance and display case repairs to Robert Ferris at ROBERTFERRIS@comcast.net. Please email all other questions to MissTrishy@hotmail.com or ROBERTFERRIS@comcast.net, and NOT to the National Beanie Babies Association or to anyone named Nancy or N. Murdoch (of the new and completely useless United Beanies Union Group who only have seven members [who are all related]).

4. Messages to the LABBA list group should be about “hot” flea markets, new and true selling techniques, trading, identifying unauthentic babies, AA group times and intervention methods, and NOT about complaining about club dues or low f@*%king eBay bids.

5. Please do not send requests asking for advice on beanie baby pricing to the group. If you don’t know what the market value of your babies is, then you shouldn’t be selling your babies. Period.

6. To order an official LABBA T-shirt, please send $29.95 through PayPal to MissTrishy@hotmail.com. Please be sure to specify if you want Trap The Mouse on the front or Inky The Octopus (tan, with mouth). Only L and XL available. 50 percent cotton.

We appreciate your participation in the LABBA group very much. Remember that we’re always accepting pictures of you with your beanie babies for our web site!

Dave’s Retirement Lunch

By: David Martin

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Good afternoon and welcome to the retirement lunch for Dave Martin. I’m Bill Rankin, the Director of Western Operations. Since neither our CEO Chet Weston nor Dave’s boss Steve Lester could be here and because I drew the short straw, I’ll be emceeing today’s festivities. Both Chet and Steve are in an all-day meeting about printer supplies and paper-clip budgeting and send their regrets.

I don’t know Dave personally; I only know him by reputation. But, boy, what a reputation! If all the employees of Candu Consulting had the same attitude as Dave, this would definitely be a different company.

Whereas most of our employees retire once they reach the maximum pensionable service of 35 years, Dave has shown his dedication and loyalty to our business by hanging on well past the maximum to 43 years. Apparently there was little economic advantage for Dave in serving those additional eight years apart from a steadfast and abiding faith in the inevitability of receiving a golden handshake.

Despite countless refusals from senior management, Dave demonstrated the tenacity and can-do attitude of Candu Consulting and refused to take
“no” for an answer. His fighting spirit is an inspiration to us all and I’m sure that you are aware that, thanks to an unfortunate oversight in our employee termination procedure and the undisclosed terms of a court-ordered settlement, Dave recently obtained a severance package that can only be described as generous in the extreme.

As I said, I don’t know Dave personally. But his many accomplishments have been like a shining beacon to the employees working in my division. Who would have thought that you could go on a drunken binge, miss work for four weeks, get fired, file a grievance and still get reinstituted with full pay plus compensatory damages? Probably the same person who assumed that zero productivity over a three-year period would not lead to employment sanctions but rather result in an award of merit in return for a promise never to touch the Dickson Motors file again.

Speaking of productivity, the force of Dave’s personality is so strong that even his leaving will have a dramatic effect on our bottom line. Just to show you how much his absence will be noted, Accounting has estimated that next year Candu Consulting expects a 20 percent increase in revenue which is almost entirely attributable to Dave.

I’m glad so many of you could make it. What with quarterly budgeting and this being a Friday, we didn’t expect such a turnout. However, given that the company decided to pay for the lunch and give each attendee the afternoon off, it is indeed gratifying to note that most of the eight chairs around this table have been filled. That is indeed a testament to the warmth and affection Dave’s co-workers have for him — particularly those who have not yet obtained a restraining order against him.

As with any retirement dinner, it gives us a chance to celebrate the many contributions and accomplishments of the retiree. I took the liberty of conducting a quick online search of several daily newspapers as well as the local court docket.

I think it goes without saying that when an employee’s workplace accomplishments receive recognition even beyond the corridors of Candu Consulting, that is worth noting. To say that Dave is entirely responsible for our current Personal and Sexual Harassment Policy, our state-of-the-art fire alarm and building exit plan and the deadbolt locks on each office door would be an exaggeration. But we definitely can say that Dave’s behavior was the ultimate inspiration for each of these previously unwarranted initiatives.

It is usually at this point in the festivities that we ask the retiree to say a few words and accept a gift as a token of our appreciation for his long service, if not gratitude for his upcoming departure. However, I am told that Dave is not with us today since he is apparently still diligently working at using up his remaining sick days before his official departure next Friday. As for a gift, Dave has asked that we forgo the traditional gold watch and instead, as he so colloquially and humorously put it, “cut me a check” for the purchase price.

On that note, ladies and gentlemen, will you please raise your glasses and toast our departing colleague Dave Martin. I think we can all agree that, given our newly stringent hiring guidelines, we will not see his kind again.

Office Holiday Party Guidelines

By: Jimmy Chen

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ATTIRE

People are encouraged to dress as well as possible. For men, a good tip is to wear the same outfit you wore on your initial interview for employment here at Copy Ink, Inc. If you wore a tie, we know you own at least one tie. Women should wear dresses that complement their body without exaggerating its proportions. Strapless dresses must be secured with double-sided tape. Dress hems should be below the knee. 5-inch heels will not bring you closer to God.

ARRIVAL

Arriving fashionably late is so 90’s. Welcome to the 21st Century, where people are secure enough about themselves to arrive 10 minutes early without feeling vulnerable and desperate. This administrator promises you that he will be there at 5:50 p.m. sharp and go straight for the crab cakes. Should you arrive at a European-oriented 8 p.m., the crab cakes will have changed their form in the stomach acid of your administrator.

HEIMLICH

Stuffed mushrooms are the perfect circumference and texture for choking. Only those in Human Resources are allowed to perform the Heimlich on chokers. HR representatives encroaching from behind will introduce themselves by saying: “We care about you; please lean over.” If a particle of food is launched into the air from a well-placed abdominal thrust, do not scream or attempt to dodge the offending airborne object. If it lands on your plate, tactfully move it to the side and continue eating.

ENTERTAINMENT

The Kenny Band will be performing covers of Kenny Loggins, Kenny Rogers, and Kenny G. The exact ratio of the songs is undisclosed. Dance music will be provided by William Murray, a.k.a. “DJ Bill.” Bill sports a spray-on tan, and his hair is covered in a thin layer of oil. The floor may be slippery within a 3 ft. radius of him. Please take caution when dancing in that area.

BAR

This administrator will be bartender. He will moderate your alcohol intake based on body weight. If you are driving, you will be limited to one drink per 60 lbs. If you are not driving, you will be allowed one drink per 25 lbs. A special exception to this rule applies to Jr. Associates, who evoke empathy because of their treacherous hours at work. There will be a special mini-pool full of Tequila they are welcome to bathe in. Appropriate swimwear is mandatory.

KIDS

Jungle Joe, whose specialty is ventriloquism and illusions, will be entertaining your kids. He will be bringing a plethora of stuffed animals, two of which are a raccoon and a skunk. Nobody is sure what his illusions will entail. This might be overwhelming for children under 2 yrs. Jungle Joe has a full beard, is of a swarthy complexion, and rather looks like his stuffed monkey — making his ventriloquism all the more complex and ironic for adults. For children, however, this might be extremely confusing. Please remove your child from the room if they begin crying.

ANIMALS

There are many squirrels outside. Only feed them unshelled and unsalted nuts. If you encounter a Flying Squirrel, realize that that is a misnomer. This squirrel, short of finding a branch, will fall. If the squirrel lands on your face, it will claw you out of confusion. Please close your eyes tightly. Also, if you are inebriated, do not pass out. Crows will interpret a supine position as being near death. These birds will attack your entrails. If you must lie on the ground to recover, rotate your arms around at an even pace to assert your cognizance and strength. Designated fire drill leaders will come to your aid, and for those who have asked, no, workman’s comp will not cover any injuries inflicted by squirrels or crows.

LOVE

One’s beauty is a slippery thing, and is enhanced in dim lighting, especially when augmented with alcohol. Your peers may — for some inexplicable reason — look somewhat attractive during this night. Think of your spouse and children. Do not follow whatever amorous inclinations might cause your fickle loins to pulsate. Calmly take a cube of ice and melt it on your brow. What happens at Copy Ink, Inc. does not stay at Copy Ink, Inc.

A Letter to New Members of the Gamma Eta Fraternity

By: Lincoln Michel

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Hello all and welcome to your new home. Rest assured we didn’t make a rush to judgment when choosing you! All kidding aside, we here at Gamma Eta are dedicated to living clean, neat and smart while still having fun, or as we like to call it: practicing good fratkeeping. Our motto is “Just because our name is Greek doesn’t mean we can’t live like Sheikhs” (incidentally, we are looking for a new motto if you have any suggestions). With that in mind, here’s this week’s newsletter with a segment we like to call Hints from Howard.

Nifty Thrifts

* Do you have pairs of old socks whose elastic has given out? Don’t throw them away! Old socks can be used as budget oven mitts for removing slices of reheated pizza.

* An aloha party is a great way to kick off a new semester, but finding decorative sand can be tough if you don’t live near the beach. If you can’t find a playground sandbox to “borrow” sand from, why not make your own? Empty the crumbs from every bag of Doritos lying around the frat house into a large bucket. When the bucket is filled, scatter the crumbs across the floor and break out the leis!

* Every frat brother needs a seashell necklace, but not everyone can afford one. Try spray-painting a few conchiglie pasta shells white and threading them with an old shoelace for a neat alternative that won’t strain your wallet!

Stains and Spills

* The boudoir is an area that should excite all the senses, including smell. If you notice your girlfriend wrinkling her nose, try placing a few drops of eucalyptus oil mixed with fresh weed buds on your bedside lamp. The heat from the bulb will carry the delicious smell throughout the room (NOTE: Don’t use bong water!).

* Speaking of smelly liquids, if your buddy has a few too many, the nozzle of a hookah can be gently lowered down his throat to induce vomiting. After he’s puked and rallied, the two of you can enjoy a few hits of apple-flavored tobacco.

Culinary Clues

* Are you tired of drinking warm beer bought at the last minute for impromptu parties? Keep an ice tray filled with beer in your freezer. When the party starts, drop these frothy cubes in your mug for an instant icy brew that won’t get watered down!

* Coffee straws are excellent tools to sniff up that hard-to-reach cocaine in the cracks of your coffee table.

* Do you have your eye on a sorority sister who dislikes the rough smoke of marijuana and is also on a strict diet? Instead of pot brownies, why not try stirring those buds into a low-fat muffin mix? That way you can keep your lady stoned and slim.

Well, those are all the tips we have for you today. A reminder: The Ultimate Frisbee For Cancer-A-Thon will be taking place on the quad next Tuesday. If you do not have your own frisbee, try cutting off the handle of a plastic garbage-can lid. Voila!

Yours in Bro-Hood,

Howard Bowles

Gamma Eta Minister of Housekeeping

27 Consecutive Items from the Outlook Task List of Peter Fallman, Mayor of Addleton

By: Dan Shea

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Jan 21: Must place thank-you call to Sheriff Brown for kind intro at inauguration.

Jan 23: Secretary’s name is Ahn-DRAY-ah, not AN-dree-ah!

Jan 30: Must have word with Andrea re: telephone etiquette. Also, apologize to Sheriff Brown re: rudeness of Andrea.

Feb 7: New secretary’s name is Paul.

Feb 21: Call City Attorney Ramirez re: Andrea’s frivolous civil suit. Does she have grounds to claim Clerical Squatters’ Rights? Do those even exist?!

Feb 28: Must call emergency Town Council caucus to update archaic Town Charter. Clerical Squatters’ Rights?! Come on!! Shouldn’t that mean just for the Church anyway?

Mar 3: Must train Paul to screen calls from Andrea’s lawyers.

Mar 10: New secretary’s name is Inga.

Mar 14: Must train Inga to screen calls from Paul’s lawyers. (NO VIOLENCE THIS TIME, PETE!)

Mar 15: Still have to call Sheriff Brown to thank for intro and apologize for Andrea.

Mar 16: Train Inga to use American telephones. And work on her English. And her attitude.

Mar 20: Fire Inga at end of workweek. STICK TO YOUR GUNS, PETE!

Mar 23: Pick Inga up at her place at 8 Saturday night. Buy new bottle of Old Spice.

Mar 24: SHERIFF BROWN! THANK-YOU CALL! APOLOGIES! TODAY! RIGHT AFTER LUNCH! SERIOUSLY!

Apr 2: Update Town Charter to include Council position for Inga. Buy a back-up bottle of Old Spice. Call temp agency again.

Apr 4: New secretary’s name is Robert. Call temp agency again. [frowny-face icon]

Apr 6: New secretary’s name is Pamela. Not a 10, but good enough. [smiley-face icon]

Apr 12: Have Pam cancel tonight’s Annual Police Benefit Dinner. Can’t sit next to Sheriff Brown when I still haven’t thanked him for his intro! Ask Treasurer Richards to reroute banquet funds to Account X.

Apr 16: New Interim City Treasurer’s name is Ed Williams. Think he’ll play ball. [smiley-face icon]

Apr 20: Must send Cayman Islands offshore acct #s to Ed Williams by Tues.

Apr 29: Numbers to be blocked from this phone line: Andrea’s lawyer, Paul’s lawyer, Inga’s cell, ex-Treasurer Richards’s office, The Addleton Gazette city room, City Attorney Ramirez’s office, Sheriff Brown’s office (if we can figure out what it is, dammit Pam!), wherever grand juries call from, my wife’s cell…

May 3: If he calls office, have Pam thank Sheriff Brown for the lame intro last month and apologize for Andrea etc. and deny any implications of embezzlement. Then block number.

May 10: Call Air Jamaica from the pay phone on Center St. TODAY!

May 12: Pack shorts and sandals and a bottle of Old Spice, cash in 401K, feed Ed to lions, drive self to airport (give driver afternoon off?). Maybe leave note for Pam.

May 14: Fast-track the Airport Express Lane Bill as last act before impeachment. Send email from Jamaica: congratulate Acting Mayor Brown on appointment, thank him for warm intro, beg for a pardon (can mayors even give those?).

May 15: If stopped on way to airport, hire a lawyer or two or five for multiple paternity and civil suits…and probably messy divorce…and countless criminal charges. Apologize to arresting officers for plundering their pensions.

May 15: Booking officer’s name is Marilyn.

Subject: CEO To Serve Ice Cream!

By: Hari Raghavan

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From: Catherine Ruskin

To: HQ – All

Subject: CEO to serve ice cream!

Sent at 8:59 a.m.

Dear Friends and Colleagues,

This afternoon, at approximately 2 p.m., we are all in for a very special, very sweet treat. Our President and CEO, Jon Barger, will be dishing out single scoops of ice cream (cup or cone optional) in the main lobby to help combat the cruel summer heat! Immediately prior to the event, Mr. Barger will be outfitted by HR in an authentic, ’60s-style pinstriped apron and old-tyme dairy bar cap. This should be a lot of fun!

Looking forward to seeing each and every one of you there,

Catherine Ruskin

Human Resources Administrator

From: Catherine Ruskin

To: HQ – All

Subject: CEO + ice cream social follow-up

Sent at 11:05 a.m.

Dear Friends and Colleagues,

We have received numerous positive responses to today’s CEO + ice cream social…and it hasn’t even happened yet! To answer a few of your questions:

(1) Some of you have noticed that the event is officially scheduled on your calendars from 2:00 – 2:05 p.m. During this time, Mr. Barger will be personally available to serve you exactly one (1) scoop of his favorite flavor-of-the-day (banana berry fudge), cup or cone optional. First come, first served. At exactly 2:06 p.m, an official Herr’s Dairy Bar representative will take over the duties of head server, and Mr. Barger will be available for a meet-and-greet at a nearby collapsible table. Each employee is entitled to one (1) handshake, and will receive a printed, personalized message of encouragement from Mr. Barger himself. Those employees wishing to bring their spouses or young children to the event will be entitled to one (1) additional shake per spouse, and one (1) inspirational head rub / hair ruffle per child. Children over the age of 8 will not be admitted into the meet-and-greet area, and are expected to remain seated in the lobby with their ice cream in hand. Please clean up after yourself, and remind your spouse / child to do the same!!

(2) Regarding photographs and moving pictures: No image recording devices will be permitted entry into the designated ice cream social area. This includes Polaroids, still-picture cameras, digital cameras, Super 8s, or any other form of identity / memory capturing equipment. There are very logical reasons for this policy, and if you have any questions, we ask that you refer yourselves to the Employee Handbook. No appeals will be granted, so please don’t ask.

(3) Non-dairy options…will not be available. Please keep in mind that this is a company-wide event. Therefore, it would be impossible to tailor the event to suit each one of our individual whims and fancies. Both HR and Mr. Barger feel that the available flavor (banana berry fudge) is more than sufficient, and should satisfy our collective sweet tooth while also serving to encourage our continued productivity for the rest of the day / season. We hope you’ll agree.

Thank you and see you soon!

Catherine Ruskin

Human Resources Administrator

From: Catherine Ruskin

To: HQ – All

Subject: It’s almost time!

Sent at 1:25 p.m.

Friends and Colleagues,

It’s almost that special time of the day! We hope you saved some room for ice cream, and that you didn’t take as long as you might usually have taken for lunch (given that we’re providing you with your dessert and all!).

A few last-minute reminders and updates:

For your convenience and ours, we have hired a contractor to serve as a Maintainer of Order (informally, “bouncer”) at this afternoon’s event. Mr. Abdullah will be present for the duration of the event, and will direct you in an orderly fashion toward your single scoop. He does not expect to speak, and in turn expects not to be spoken to. He is a professional. Please obey him.

As promised, Mr. Barger will be suitably attired for the occasion, and will be donning his brand new (vintage) Dairy Bar Owner’s outfit. However, for the sake of workplace professionalism, the outfit will be removed immediately following Mr. Barger’s tenure as Scoop Distributor (2:06 p.m., sharp), at which point Mr. Barger will change into his usual Italian suit and tie, and return at approximately 2:20 p.m. for the scheduled meet-and-greet. During this interval, please direct all of your Yes / No inquiries to Abdullah, who will answer accordingly, with either a vertical nod or a horizontal shake. Human Resources administrators will not be available at this time, as we will be helping Mr. Barger change into his suit in the privacy of the 1st floor women’s restroom.

We have had a few questions regarding post-event workplace expectations: We expect you to be productive! Just because we are providing you with a free ice cream social, that doesn’t mean that the rest of your work day should be neglected in favor of other, equally fun activities. A few of you have suggested a post-event Frisbee-golf (“Frolf”) round robin in the parking lot, while still others have mentioned the possibility of a “bar night.” No! Please be back at your desks no later than 2:45 p.m., and have your monitors switched on. We have hired more contractors to serve as undercover post-event observers, and they will be reporting directly back to Mr. Barger himself. Consider yourselves warned…

Sincerely,

Catherine Ruskin

Human Resources Administrator

From: Catherine Ruskin

To: HQ – All

Subject: Success!

Sent at: 3:45 p.m.

Whew. What a day!

Today we once again proved to ourselves that we can work together as a company and as a community to make events such as a complimentary CEO + ice cream social a reality. We here in HR were more than pleased by the incredible turnout, and I can assure you that Mr. Barger enjoyed serving and meeting each and every one of you! Thanks to your cooperation and relative obedience, it is quite possible (but not guaranteed) that a similar event might take place in the distant future.

Thanks to those of you who oh-so-generously volunteered some time out of your work day to speak with the crew from 9 News — the lines were literally out the door! We’re very grateful to them for covering this event, and we look forward to seeing the segment entitled “Local CEO Serves Ice Cream With Bare Hands” during tomorrow evening’s newscast. Incidentally, we apologize for any sanitary concerns that may have arisen due to the unanticipated style of Mr. Barger’s service; we only did what the cameramen told us to do!

Is it hot in here? (not anymore!),

Catherine “Cathy” Ruskin

Human Resources Administrator

John the Apostle Has Some Explaining to Do

By: Tyler Smith

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Alright everybody, settle down now. What you’ve just witnessed here is a miracle. I need everybody to take a few steps back and give me some air so I can explain. Divine intervention has manifested itself in our affairs right here in Cana, as you’ll notice that the water you’ve been sipping for the past hour has now been turned to wine. With this miracle, I, for one, am prepared to put my faith in this man. What’s that, Fred? No, not that dwarf over by the salad bar; I’m talking about Jesus, the guy I brought from Nazareth. The Lamb of God, for crying out loud. Well, my date cancelled. Of course you can’t eat Him — it’s a metaphor. Fred, I think you’ve been drinking a little too much of that wine. Jesus is not taking “drink orders,” per se. If He wants to turn the wine into dry martinis, I imagine He’ll do that, don’t you? Look, I’m sorry the dwarf is freaking you out, but I’m not about to ask Jesus to turn him into lemon sorbet — be realistic, Fred. Well she’s allowed to tell him his business — that’s his mother. I know it’s dorky, she’s just a little protective. Please don’t make a big deal about his mom coming, okay? Because it’s embarrasing, Fred! No, Fred. She doesn’t have a boyfriend. She has a husband — a devoted husband called Joseph. Kick his ass? You go right ahead with that, Fred. You go right ahead and see what happens when that happens, hoss.

His glory revealed, I suggest we all give Jesus a little room and thank Him for providing us with this wine, as you sots drank the last of it before the ink on the ketubah dried. As foretold by Isaiah 62:4-5, we have borne witness to this grand….My name? It’s John. The bride and I were mixed doubles partners on the high school tennis team. I’m sorry, you are who? Wendell? Ah, the best man. Well, this must be quite a day for you, sir. Oh, I assure you, neither Jesus nor I is trying to “steal anybody’s thunder,” but you must admit that this miracle, this luminous mystery has come to us as an indication that…How am I being an insensitive jackass? If I wanted to, I could tell everybody about how I’ve noticed you’ve been eyeing the flower girls since we got here. Well, I’m sure they do things differently in Jezreel, but here in Cana, we don’t tolerate that kind of thing. We’re talking about the Anointed here, who has come to us to redeem all humanity. This man is the word become flesh and I aim to have you recognize that…Oh, don’t be childish; I’m not going to “meet you by the chuppah in twenty minutes.” This is a sacred occasion on so many levels, Wendell. Why are you intent on making such a donkey of yourself?

Okay, come here, Jesus. Enable us as your disciples to follow you in all the glory of your divine splendor…Oh, I know they’re a little rowdy — they’re just half-crocked on that delicious wine. But they won’t bite, I promise. Come up here on the stage with me. Whoa! Okay, that dwarf definitely bites. I didn’t see that coming. How is your ankle? Jesus, I’m sorry about that. I think they’re just a little overwhelmed. I have to admit, I am too. No, wait. Where are you going? See what you’ve done, you maniacs? Now he’s upset and you’re all drunk and acting like a bunch of jerks. That means you, Fred. I’ll tell you what. To be honest, I’m struggling to see how you make the connection between Jesus doing His best to make this wedding a real one-of-a-kind bash by turning water into wine and you having “the power” to turn your lamb chops into “poop.” Well, one is an act of the gastro-intestinal tract and the other is an act of God. Yes, Fred, I’m sure He could, but you’re plumb crazy if you think I’m going to ask Jesus to turn the crudité spread into shekel-bags of weed.

Now, if you would, rejoice with me all of you in praising Jesus for this miracle we have seen today. Uh, girls. Girls! That’s not praising. That’s more like “asking for things.” Get up off of Jesus’s lap. No, girls. That’s incorrect. Why would He want to come down your chimney? Milk and cookies? What’s gotten into you people? But since we’re on chimneys, I urge you all to abandon your false hearths! There is a brighter light that shines before your very eyes. Praise be to Jesus, for He has…What’s that, Emily? No, He doesn’t do pregnancy tests. You all think this is some kind of parlor trick, don’t you? I don’t think the awesome power or significance of what has happened here today is really sinking in. This is unbelievable. Oh, forgive them, Jesus. Well no, not the little fellow who bit you, that was totally uncalled for. They hauled him off along with that groomsman who was trying to fondle the ice sculpture, so you won’t have to worry about them any more…Hmm, that’s a good question. Where is everybody going? Good people of Galilee, what is that commotion? Hold on one second, Jesus. Maybe the band is setting up; let me go take a look.

Can this be so? Jesus, come quickly! It is another miracle, like the one described on Mount Horeb. Perhaps as God informed Moses of his divine calling after the flight out of Egypt, He now appears as if to speak from a burning bush! Oh, wait. No. Jesus, you probably don’t even want to see this. It’s Fred. He’s done something called a “brush fire.” I’m embarrassed to even tell you what it is. Well, you blow out all the candles in a room and then you, uh, while everybody’s wondering what’s up, you, uh, hmm, how do I put this lightly, uh, you sort of light your pubes on fire and run around the room. Yeah, and I guess it sort of looks like a brush fire.

It’s always the lowest common denominator at these things, Jesus. Man, I could really use a dry martini right now.

Well, I was just asking.

Selections From An Anti-Duck Propaganda Pamphlet

By: Meg Favreau

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Lately there has been an epidemic of DUCKS posing as PEOPLE. These ducks pretend to be HUMAN CHILDREN (ducks are small) who say they are “lost” and “need their mommies.” When an adult human tries to help the duck child, it STEALS the human’s WALLET. The ducks are then using this money to create PRO-DUCK PROPAGANDA and also to buy stale breadcrumbs.

WHY THIS IS BAD

Every time a duck eats stale breadcrumbs, that duck ingests a small amount of GROWTH HORMONE. By eating the HORMONE, normal ducks of THE PAST are quickly becoming GIANT DUCKS OF THE FUTURE. Whereas in 1940 most ducks rated a five on the Heinreich-Peterson Duck Scale, today’s ducks rate a SEVEN. At this rate, in thirty years, ducks will pretend to be HUMAN TEENAGERS instead of HUMAN CHILDREN.

Ducks try to distract humans from their GROWTH PLANS by creating PRO-DUCK PROPAGANDA. They will try to tell you that ducks are harmless, friendly animals, and that all lost children are really human. NO. This is not true. Ducks want to grow to HUMAN PROPORTIONS so they can eat FRESH BREADCRUMBS and also get country club memberships.

WHAT TO DO

If you see a human child that claims to be lost, DO NOT TRUST IT. Chances are very good that this is a DUCK in DISGUISE. Here are some clues that the child is actually a DUCK:

— The child has a long, orange nose

— The child has feathers

— The child makes a quacking noise

— The child talks obsessively about ponds and streams

— The child’s name is “Mallard”

Unfortunately, some ducks have developed very good costumes. Even if the “lost” “human” “child” you are talking to does not display any of the above symptoms, you should still be cautious. The best way to make sure that a LOST CHILD is not actually a MONEY-STEALING DUCK is to throw it in a nearby pond, stream, or ocean. If it is indeed a duck, its costume will disintegrate when it hits the water, and you will be a HERO. BEWARE: if it is actually a child, it will drown.

THINGS DUCK-EXPOSING HEROES CAN LOOK FORWARD TO

— Commendations from the mayor

— More stale breadcrumbs for themselves

— Duck-free early retirement

DO NOT LET THE DUCKS GET THE BEST OF YOU. THEY KNOW HOW TO USE CREDIT CARDS AND ALSO HOW TO CALL YOUR EX-GIRLFRIENDS. IN YOUR HOUSE, ON THE STREET, OR IN THE WORKPLACE, ALWAYS BE AWARE OF POTENTIAL DUCKS.