Dear Astrology,

Ever since the moon was blown into a million little pieces by a hostile alien race intent on annihilating mankind, it seems as though people have just been acting a little bit…off. I’ve heard that the moon’s phase can affect human behavior. Is it possible that the empty spot in the night sky where the moon used to be is to blame for the weird vibes I’ve been picking up lately?

Here’s what Astrology has to say:

The good news is that if your aura took on an aggressive reddish-orange hue in the days following the obliteration of the moon, you’re in good company. The bad news is that there has been quite a bit going on in the way of celestial movement lately, so it might be impossible to tell exactly what it is that has everybody and their mother crying in the fetal position amongst the rubble that used to be their homes.

Has your significant other offered him or herself as a human sacrifice to appease Galactic Emperor Grog without consulting you about it first? You can thank Venus for that. This month marks the beginning of sensual Venus’s six-week retrograde cycle, and, unfortunately, the first part of this retrograde cycle is set to take place in erotic Scorpio.

This means that there could be some catastrophic communication issues between you and your significant other in the coming days. She thinks you should pack up everything of value and quickly get as far away from any major metropolitan areas as possible, and you were just hoping to have a chill weekend at home. If this scenario sounds familiar to you…relax! Venus’s retrograde will be over before you know it, and everything will return to normal.

You may have noticed some Cancers angrily shaking their fists at the sky and asking why God has abandoned us. Don’t let this worry you. Venus’s retrograde cycle is passing through Cancer’s hot-headed sector.

But hold on, the bad news isn’t over yet. Mars is entering Sagittarius as well. Ugh, right? This celestial double whammy has scores of people flying their aircrafts directly into the large death-ray that has appeared on the underside of the mothership in hopes that they may die a hero’s death. Don’t join them just yet! Sometimes the two contradictory motions of these planets can balance each other out and leave you with feelings of hopefulness and positivity for the future.

As you can see, the Ziv’oik species from the Triangulum Galaxy testing out their planet-destroying laser on the moon is the least of your worries in this astrological nightmare we’ve been experiencing during the last few weeks. The fact is, there is very little scientific evidence to suggest that the moon suddenly exploding into a giant fireball has any noticeable effect on human behavior.

With all of the other planetary movement, it’s silly to think that the malevolent aliens Darth Vader-ing the moon has anything to do with those knuckleheads in Washington trying to build a laser-proof forcefield to protect the White House, when that sort of wacky behavior can so easily be attributed to the way Mercury is spinning on its axis.

A bit of closing advice for those of you who have been feeling out of sorts for the last few weeks: keep the salt lamp handy and don’t be afraid to take an aura-cleansing bath once in a while. If you look up in the sky and squint your eyes really hard, you just might see some good days on the horizon behind all the moon dust.