Welcome to Whispers Inn, the country inn of your dreams! We, your innkeepers, look forward to providing you with memories you will cherish for years to come. Celebrating an anniversary? Birthday? Boys-dressed-up-as-girls weekend? Rest assured, we have taken every care to provide you with the most relaxing and enjoyable experience of your lifetime.

Let us tempt you with our four individually designed and decorated rooms…

Farmer’s Delight. Ever wanted to bed down with domestic farm animals? Well, now you can! Our comfy hayloft is spacious enough to accommodate you and the barnyard companion(s) of your choice. Please use the checklist on our website to specify your choice, gender and number of livestock. (Not available to those under 18 years of age; special cleaning fees apply.)

The Womb. This snug, padded nest on the sub-basement level of our Inn is designed to bring back vivid memories of you at your pre-birth best. Immerse yourself in a tub of our house-made amniotic fluid, where you can meditate on all that’s gone wrong with your life left since leaving the birth chamber. For a special fee, our staff will help recreate your birth experience, dragging you headfirst through the “birth canal” (a.k.a. basement trapdoor) to typical maternal exhortations such as “You f&**%ing bastard! I’ll never let you touch me again!” and “I knew I should’ve had my tubes tied after the last one!” Your natal experience will be capped by a rousing spanking. Please advise us of your preference for a male or female “nurse.” (Not advised for those with a history of psychosis or psychotic episodes.)

Forest Room. Although it’s not technically a “room” in or near a “forest,” you’ll enjoy sleeping out under the stars in a special patch of ground we’ve cleared under the forsythia bush. Enjoy rustic bedding featuring a mix of imported pine needles, ethanol-grade corn stalks and organic mulch from our compost pile. During your stay you could be lucky enough to meet members of our woodland community, including Andy the anaconda, Phil the porcupine and the Gnat Family. (Bear spray provided. Not responsible for wildlife-induced injuries. Proof of health insurance required.)

Frat Party. What baby boomer doesn’t have fond memories of swilling beer straight from the keg, making out with a cute freshman and waking up in a pool of their own — or someone else’s — vomit? No detail has been spared in our recreation of an authentic college frat house bedroom, from the single bed with rancid sheets and Def Leppard posters on the wall to the stinking bong on the nightstand. This room comes complete with a keg of Bud, a bottle of tequila and half a case of Mateus rose wine. Party on! (Guests are required to supply their own freshman — no minors, please!)

In addition to our signature “Country Roadkill” breakfasts, guests can choose from several special packages, including:

Swedish Plan: All you can eat fermented herring for breakfast, lunch and dinner. And for dessert? Swedish fish, of course! Swedish massage included in our optional “fly to Sweden and get a massage” package.

Sub-Saharan Plan: You will be rationed five grains of rice per day. That’s it. No more. If you want water for either drinking or bathing, you’ll have to fetch it yourself from a well six miles from the Inn. Earthenware jugs provided for a small fee.

Greek Plan: You will be taxed double the EEC rate, forced to turn over a percentage of your pension to us and required to participate in strikes protesting our management of the Inn. This package includes unlimited ouzo.

We, your innkeepers, promise you complete privacy and anonymity during your stay at Whispers Inn. We take our motto seriously: “What happens In the Inn stays In the Inn.” To ensure a hassle-free visit, please notify us if: 1) you’re on the run from the mob; 2) you’re on the run from your wife; 3) you’re on the run from that weird guy at the dry cleaners who keeps trying to “friend” you on Facebook.

Oh, and one last thing: The staff of Whispers Inn has been trained to treat you like family, so please do not be offended if you find them going through your personal belongs, arguing with you at meals, commenting on your weight or disparaging your choice of partner. We want you to feel at home!