8/1/1979

Dear Diary,

It happened!! Jessie and I are officially going steady. He asked me at Dairy Queen on Friday — talk about summer loving! His best friend Rick Springfield met us there and bought us celebratory Dilly Bars — he even knew to get me strawberry! It’s just like they say: the best is yet to come!

8/30/1979

Dear Diary,

Jessie, Rick and I went to the movies. He goes on most of our dates. We’re like the three musketeers except Rick is the only one with a mustache.

9/22/1979

Dear Diary,

Jessie and I had our first real kiss on Saturday at Luke Wimmer’s party! It came out of nowhere! Spontaneous and romantic = total package. Rick was drunk and cornered me. He said something about teaching himself guitar and then stumbled away. Today he told everyone that he hooked up with Tracey Meyer in the bed of his truck, but there’s a rumor it was a bag of yard waste. Tracey didn’t come to school today.

10/3/1979

Dear Diary,

Rick keeps winking at me. When I told Jessie about it he just laughed and said not to worry, Rick has a nervous tick, especially around pretty girls.

10/24/1979

Dear Diary,

Today has been one of those days that makes me really want to graduate so I can do my own thing. Jessie says he wants to go to college, but I’m still on the fence about it. Rick must want to go to architecture school because he has tons of blueprints in his locker.

12/9/1979

Dear Diary,

Today we went to the park and Jessie told me he loved me. I can’t even describe how happy I am right now. My hands are shaking so much I can barely write! I know I’m only a senior, but I think he’s the one. I love Jessie so much. Rick was there, too. He doesn’t know we saw him and what he was doing, but we did.

2/14/1980

Dear Diary,

We’re engaged! Jessie got down on one knee and everything. I’m going to have to get used to being called a “fiancée” — so fancy! We decided we want a summer wedding and I already asked Liz to be my maid of honor. Rick is Jessie’s best man and he was so excited that he immediately started crying uncontrollably!

11/8/1980

Dear Diary,

Sorry it’s been so long! I’ve been so busy GETTING MARRIED! The wedding was beautiful! I can’t believe it’s already over. Jessie even cried a little — he’s such a softy! Rick gave a toast and said something about my eyes and loving Jessie with my body. He needs to find a nice girl, settle down and stop smelling my hair.

3/9/1981

Dear Diary,

Married life is great. Jessie and I are saving for a house so I’m still living with my parents for now. They’re in Florida for the summer but Jessie’s always over. Last night we had a quiet dinner at home, but Rick’s food got cold because he spent the entire night measuring the doorframes and whispering “perfect” to himself.

3/10/1981

Dear Diary,

I think I’m in the trunk of a car.

3/12/1981

Dear Diary,

Still in the basement. I don’t know how I got down here, but I do know Tracey Meyer won’t stop talking and she smells like dad after he cuts the grass.

3/12/1981

Dear Diary,

Whoever’s upstairs is really good at guitar!

THE DEVIL YOU KNOW has an elaborate orchestra with instruments made entirely out of the bones of sinners. Skull organ, fibula flutes, ribcage xylophone are commonplace as the music of the immoral echoes throughout Hell’s caverns.

THE DEVIL YOU DON’T plays in a Damn Yankees cover band (Dammed Yankees) with Mark Twain, Ulysses S. Grant, and George Steinbrenner. They play every Thursday night at the Gristle Pit and are opening for Jackyl this upcoming Saturday. Five dollar cover, ladies drink for free. And as always, don’t forget to stop by and see Jim Morrison, who will be to the left of the bar running the merch stand.

THE DEVIL YOU KNOW catches sinner’s souls in a jar upon their final breath in the mortal world and laughs all the way back to the depths of hell, where he releases them to be tortured for all eternity.

THE DEVIL YOU DON’T is the one stealing your wireless Internet. But it’s not like he wants to do it, your connection just happens to reach him and it’s not feasible to have wireless set up in Hell. He’s probably sorry and I bet the only time he used it during peak hours was to MapQuest directions to Burbank so he could warn Michael Eisner that he set his alarm for PM instead of AM.

THE DEVIL YOU KNOW is red, and I mean everything, is red. His skin, his eyes, the floor and the ceiling are all an identical, piercing color. Everything is covered in fire and miscreant blood, and all of the residents are sunburned beyond recognition.

THE DEVIL YOU DON’T loves color. In fact, in his spare time he’s a freelance crayon creation specialist. His big break was the precise dye combination that became what we now know as “Burnt Sienna.” He was inspired by the brownish matter caked on the inside of his unbaptized baby oven. He read that Crayola was holding their annual “Create a New Color” contest and he just went for it. Now, thanks to Crayola, a portion of the profits from every Burnt Sienna crayon you purchase is put towards funding your spouse’s infidelity – because unlike your husband’s secretary, trips to the surface to control your life aren’t cheap.

THE DEVIL YOU KNOW creates natural disasters when the mood strikes him. He loves nothing more than to watch man squirm as humanity is convinced the end of the world is near. Such natural disasters include but are not limited to: earthquakes, tsunamis, hurricanes, tornados, flash floods, and regular-speed floods.

THE DEVIL YOU DON’T accidently created the Bubonic Plague during a botched attempt to make banana nut bread (one cup of vanilla, not two). The Banana Bread page got stuck to the Black Death recipe page. On the bright side, he learned vanilla is great for swelling one-third of Europe’s lymph nodes.

THE DEVIL YOU KNOW patiently sits and watches as we destroy our own lives without his interference, thrilled that the day we die is the day we will join him in eternal damnation. The advent of meth and Internet pornography addiction has made his job infinitely easier.

THE DEVIL YOU DON’T is anxiously waiting for the Wonder Years to be released on DVD. He understands the problem with the music rights, but it’s getting ridiculous. Shouldn’t there be an exclusion clause if you used literally every song written between 1968 and 1973? He hopes the delay has nothing to do with the fact that he occasionally went up to the surface to whisper “butthead” in Fred Savage’s ear while he was sleeping, which allegedly “contributed” to his “involuntary commitment.”

THE DEVIL YOU KNOW is 12′ 6″, 400 lbs. Give or take.

THE DEVIL YOU DON’T has submitted his Bowflex video testimony dozens of times to no avail. Even though he did everything right and completely transformed his chest, arms, abs, and back. He just wants to say thanks and show people that Bowflex really does work. He’s four and a half billion years old and he is in the best shape of his life. The only problem was finding a good spot to film. So there were a few frames that had people being spoon-fed their own kidneys while getting their fingernails pulled off and listening to the Eagles’ greatest hits. It was in the background and you could barely even see it. Lighten up, Bowflex.