ARIES (March 21-April 20)

Be careful not to let your impulses get the best of you this year. Make an effort to deliberate consciously about decisions both at work and at home. A Libra in your life will help keep you sane. Late in the year, you will be incinerated when a gigantic asteroid collides with the Earth.

TAURUS (April 21-May 21)

Change is on the way in your life, chiefly in a professional sense. Taureans are generally calm and patient, but can also be hardheaded. Try your best to understand the situation and really see what’s going on. Also, be on the lookout for another big change involving your being incinerated when a gigantic asteroid collides with the Earth.

GEMINI (May 22-June 21)

Everyone around you will insist that you are doing too much, but you should strive to do more, while still keeping your focus. You’re going to want to do everything, but it’s important early in the year to take inventory and decide what it is you really want to do with yourself, keeping in mind that you will be incinerated when a gigantic asteroid collides with the Earth.

CANCER (June 22-July 23)

Now is the time for you to go on an adventure! Get out of your rut and find someone or something special to go after. You tend to be wrapped up in old memories and your emotional wounds, but make an effort to let that all go. A certain Virgo in your life will provide you with the opportunity for a new journey. But you better take it fast, before you are incinerated when a gigantic asteroid collides with the Earth.

LEO (July 24-August 23)

Tired of hearing about how bossy you are? Well, don’t give it a rest just yet, because this is your time to really take charge. You want to be in control of everything, and you should try to be, no matter how tired you feel. You’ll have plenty of time to rest after you’re incinerated when a gigantic asteroid collides with the Earth.

VIRGO (August 24-September 23)

Your aversion to anything hazardous to your health or sordid should be your cue to keep your distance from a careless Sagittarius who tends to be a bad influence. You’ll feel better about yourself and won’t have any of the guilt that’s such a nuisance all the time. It’ll be good to have your mind clear for the day you are incinerated when a gigantic asteroid collides with the earth.

LIBRA (September 24-October 23)

This is the year that you’ll finally realize that, though you’ve gotten by pretty well on your own up to this point, you actually need someone to even out your life and account for your constantly shifting moods. You’ll have a particularly fiery disposition late in the year, around the time you are incinerated when a gigantic asteroid collides with the Earth.

SCORPIO (October 24-November 22)

Question the so-called compliments of the people at work; it is likely to turn out that they’re just flattering you. Don’t let them distract you from your real work, a spaceship designed to save a Pisces you know from certain doom. If you work hard enough, you’ll finish just before you’re incinerated when a gigantic asteroid collides with the Earth.

SAGITTARIUS (November 23-December 21)

You’re often criticized for your inability to say no to anyone, but you’ll wish you answered in the affirmative the one time you don’t this year. You’ll know exactly what I’m talking about right at the moment you are incinerated when a gigantic asteroid collides with the Earth.

CAPRICORN (December 22-January 20)

Your constant worries about death will alienate you from friends and family. Unless you are careful, it could even turn into an obsession, and cause great worry to everyone who cares about you. Incidentally, you will be incinerated when a gigantic asteroid collides with the Earth.

AQUARIUS (January 21-February 19)

Excessive loneliness is your greatest fear, and you’ll be spending the first half of your year coming face-to-face with a situation that will force you to confront it. Try not to worry, though, as in the later part of the year you couldn’t be more a part of the crowd as you are incinerated when a gigantic asteroid collides with the Earth.

PISCES (February 20-March 20)

This will be a dramatic year for you, with more unfortunate hardships than you are used to. You will feel surrounded by know-it-alls at the first of the year, all of whom seem to be trying to tell you what to do. Later on, one of those know-it-alls will railroad you into getting on a spaceship for some inexplicable reason. You will come to know true pain when you discover that the spaceship is not equipped with a restroom. Thanks a lot, Scorpio.