Several neighborhoods have seen a recent increase in FANCY ROACHES. These pests have many distinct features:

• Little top hats
• Tiny spats
• Fine jewelry on the mesothorax, or in the case of the nouveau roache, all thoraxes
• Names such as “von Roach” and “Roachafeller”
• An inability to understand the concept of a “public pool”

If you are not sure if your roaches are fancy roaches, perform this test — when you turn your lights on, do the roaches quickly scuttle into dark corners? Or do they saunter with a sense of purpose back under your fridge, where they have hung tiny works of art and sit on uncomfortable-looking white furniture?

Typically, an infestation of fancy roaches begins when one of their favorite food sources is left out. These include:

• Charcuterie
• Any food that can be described as “peasant”
• Bold, ready-to-drink red wines
• Savory sorbets, lemon-sage mousse and other mid-meal palate cleansers
• Other organic matter, including fine imported tobacco, copies of Architectural Digest and topiaries.

REMOVING FANCY ROACHES

It can be very difficult to remove fancy roaches due to their sense of entitlement. Begin by eliminating their common gathering spaces:

• Granite counter tops
• Decanters
• Chaise lounges
• Bathrooms with two-person showers
• Wide-brimmed derby hats

The next step is to administer a fancy-roach pesticide. We’ve found that fancy roaches are most repulsed by the sprays available for under $10 at the Walgreen’s perfume counter, including Love’s Baby Soft, Fantasy by Britney Spears and a cK Obsession knock-off called “kC Strong Thoughts.”

While you should never leave out anything labeled “organic,” “imported,” “artisan crafted” or “sushi grade” around fancy roaches, there are some natural products that deter them, such as corn. When ground up and infused with herbs and spices — as in a Cool Ranch Dorito, Flamin’ Hot Cheeto or Sour Cream and Onion Bugle — corn creates a “for-the-masses” snack product that fancy roaches find unpalatable. However, do check a recent issue of Bug Appetit to ensure that your corn product is not enjoying a tongue-in-cheek renaissance. If it is, not only will your fancy roaches eat the snack food, but they will do so with an insufferable sense of amusement gained from “slumming it.”

LESS EFFECTIVE METHODS

Some have reported success with sending tiny limos to remove the roaches, but we do not recommend this — not only do you have to rent a tiny limo for every roach, but you also need to tip off the invertebrate paparazzi and deal with at least two hours of small cars driving in and out of your living space. Plus, some roaches will shun this spectacle, preferring not to advertise their wealth. (Although these more reclusive roaches can sometimes be coaxed out with an invitation to a charity event such as the Scuttle for the Cure, which raises money to research being squashed by shoes.)

IF ALL ELSE FAILS

If you have tried everything else and can still hear classical music and erudite hissing coming from your baseboards, the best thing you can do is move another roach species into your home. You can try one-car-family roaches, staycation roaches, or declining American manufacturing roaches, but immigrating roaches from Africa, Mexico or a Slavic country are especially effective. The fancy roaches will vacate immediately, noting that it had nothing to do with the new tenants; they just thought it was time to look for beachfront property.

Nerdy high school junior SOPHIE is bullied by ALL her classmates – she’s too ugly for the popular people, too quiet for the drama kids, and not nerdy enough for the nerds! But while Sophie wants nothing more than to disappear, quite the opposite happens when she’s befriended by the most popular adult in town — the gorgeous, risk-taking LINDA, the woman who delivers the HORMEL MEATS to the school cafeteria. Now, with the power of great foods like HORMEL OVEN READY MEATS and HORMEL SNAC-CUPS behind her, Sophie is going to live her junior year to the fullest – and discover that sometimes, all you need to go from loser to prom queen is a little bit of luck, a whole lot of courage, and a heaping helping of CITRUS LOIN FILET.

After 30 years on the force — 15 as a desk jockey — NYC detective NICK FALLONE is five days away from retirement and looking forward to rekindling things with his estranged wife. But Fallone’s plans take a drastic turn when his wife is found dead, each eye topped with a slice of delicious-yet-healthy HORMEL TURKEY PEPPERONI…and HORMEL-loving Fallone is the prime suspect! On the run from his friends in the force, Fallone is forced to revisit the case that ruined his career — that of the infamous MEATMAN MURDERER, who spent three years torturing Fallone by leaving high-quality products such as HORMEL BLACK LABEL THICK CUT BACON, OVEN ROASTED DELI TURKEY, and ALWAYS TENDER STEW MEAT on his victims. Now Fallone must race against the clock to avenge his wife, find the murderer, and restore the good HORMEL name.

Based on the true story…of American moviegoers loving sports comeback films! Working class kid BENJI HOLMES dreams of playing basketball for Duke — but because of his short stature and smelly off-brand lunchmeat sandwich, the coach laughs him right out of team tryouts. Discover how determination, hard work, and HORMEL SERVICE DELI MEATS HOMELAND HARD SALAMI can turn failure into savory slam-dunk success!

At 32, American expat CYNTHIA drifts through life in Paris, eating charcuterie and watching her marriage to brilliant-but-distant diplomat PATRICK crumble. She’s taken to spending her days in a park, resigned to watching life go by. But one day, it doesn’t go by — life offers her a bag of HORMEL BATONS DE SAUCISSE ET FROMAGE (Hormel Pepperoni and Cheese Stix!), courtesy of unemployed artist HENRI. This touching gift of a casse-croûte sans glucides (“carb-free snack”) sparks a passionate affair between Henri and Cynthia. But when Patrick finds out and wipes Henri’s HORMEL pantry bare, destroying all of his RAGOUT DE BOEUF DINTY MOORE, Cynthia is left facing the question every woman asks herself at some point: “If I can’t find a man with HORMEL products, how will I ever truly find love?”

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…there were HORMEL WRANGLERS SMOKED CHEESE FRANKS! That’s right, George Lucas is improving the original Star Wars trilogy again — this time by adding great HORMEL products!! “I always wanted to include HORMEL products such as CRUMBLED BACON BITS, MILD PEPPERONI (3.5 OZ. SIZE) and MARY KITCHEN REDUCED FAT CORNED BEEF HASH in the original trilogy, but we just didn’t have the technology at the time,” says Lucas. Now, in this explosive re-release, we finally know what Chewbacca is always “Chewie-ing” on — LITTLE SIZZLERS HOT & SPICY BREAKFAST SAUSAGE!! Luke’s entrapment in the Wampa’s cave is even tenser when both his lightsaber and his HERB RUBBED ITALIAN STYLE ROAST BEEF AU JUS are out of reach!! And the end of Empire Strikes Back becomes truly gripping when Darth Vader reveals that he is Luke’s father…and that he ate Luke’s last HORMEL COMPLEATS CAFE CREATIONS CREAMY CHICKEN CARBONARA MICROWAVE MEAL!! As the famous phrase now goes, may the “force” be with HORMEL BEEF STEW!!!!

Dear NASA,

I am FRUSTRATED!!!!! Why did you put a BABY on the MOON? The baby WILL NOT REMEMBER it. As a taxpayer and moon enthusiast, I insist that this is a WASTE OF MONEY and a LOW-GRAVITY SITUATION.

The adult astronauts said that the baby cried a lot. I WOULD NOT HAVE CRIED if I went to the moon, unless it was because the EARTH LOOKED SO BEAUTIFUL or because I GOT CUT, like if I used part of the space-ship wrong. To be fair, I am not entirely sure that the baby did NOT use the space-ship wrong. If this is why the baby was crying, I APOLOGIZE. However, if the baby was crying because of HUNGER, COLIC, or INTENSE G-FORCE PRESSURE, I remain angry!!! Continue reading →

1) Helicopter shot. A field filled with dandelions. As we zoom in, we see a young Meg Favreau running gleefully, giving a piggy-back ride to Meg Favreau. The pair grin with reckless abandon as they approach a farmhouse. At the end of the driveway, tight shot on the mailbox. They open the box. Inside, there’s an envelope. It’s a Social Security check addressed to…Meg Favreau? Zoom back out. Both Megs are wrinkled and old. Title on screen: “Meg Favreau: As young as you feel.”

2) A jungle. Title: 10,000 BC. A mass of hairy cave people follow one caveman, who waves excitedly and makes grunting noises. The group comes to a clearing in the trees. Close shot on the faces of the cave people as they gasp. Cut to what they’re seeing: in the middle of a field, there is a brand new, stainless-steel kitchen set. Meg Favreau, in a leopard print bikini, gestures to it with a gleaming, white grin. The cave people approach cautiously. Meg Favreau opens the refrigerator to reveal an entire mammoth, chopped up and neatly compartmentalized. A cheer erupts. Title: “Your past…your future…your Favreau.” Optional tag: A cave woman hands Meg Favreau a baby. Close up on Meg as she says, “I’ll name him…Prometheus!”

3) Close shot on a woman scrubbing her floor. We don’t see her face, but the floor sparkles. The woman moves into the bathroom and shines the sink, the shower, and the toilet. In the kitchen, she makes the oven gleam. Finally, we see her scrubbing the bald head of Mr. Clean. On his head, we see the woman’s reflection: it’s Meg Favreau. Blackout.

4) Night. Title: 2055. A terrified Meg Favreau runs through the dark streets, past neon ads floating in midair. Her footsteps hit hard on the damp pavement, and she is clutching a bottle of premium, gold-label whisky to her chest. Behind her, a mob of pale-faced robots makes chase. Meg Favreau runs with the speed of a cheetah, but the robots run with the speed of two cheetahs. They surround her in an alley. Close to tears, Meg Favreau offers the whisky…but the robots don’t take it. Rather, they reach out their hydraulic hands and fondle her hair. Meg Favreau smiles and takes a shot of whisky. Title: “Meg Favreau: Soft.”

5) Wide shot. A virgin mountain, covered with powdery snow. There’s a sound growing louder: a helicopter. Meg Favreau drops from the copter, attached to a snowboard and holding a meat hook in each hand. She hits the powder standing and starts sluicing down the mountain, jumping off steep cliffs. Suddenly, it looks like Meg is going to hit a tree! But instead, she hits it with the meat hook, spinning herself around the tree and back on track. She does this with one, two, three more trees, and then she hooks a bear. Still sliding down the mountain, Meg Favreau has an on-board fight with the bear, who rips Meg’s ear off. Cut to new scene: Meg Favreau is in a cabin at the bottom of the mountain, cooking something. A brown pelt lies motionless next to the fire. But zooming in close, we see that the bear is just sleeping, and Meg Favreau is roasting her own ear. She slides it off the kabob and offers half to the bear. Title: “Meg Favreau: Expect the Unexpected.”

Lately there has been an epidemic of DUCKS posing as PEOPLE. These ducks pretend to be HUMAN CHILDREN (ducks are small) who say they are “lost” and “need their mommies.” When an adult human tries to help the duck child, it STEALS the human’s WALLET. The ducks are then using this money to create PRO-DUCK PROPAGANDA and also to buy stale breadcrumbs.

WHY THIS IS BAD

Every time a duck eats stale breadcrumbs, that duck ingests a small amount of GROWTH HORMONE. By eating the HORMONE, normal ducks of THE PAST are quickly becoming GIANT DUCKS OF THE FUTURE. Whereas in 1940 most ducks rated a five on the Heinreich-Peterson Duck Scale, today’s ducks rate a SEVEN. At this rate, in thirty years, ducks will pretend to be HUMAN TEENAGERS instead of HUMAN CHILDREN.

Ducks try to distract humans from their GROWTH PLANS by creating PRO-DUCK PROPAGANDA. They will try to tell you that ducks are harmless, friendly animals, and that all lost children are really human. NO. This is not true. Ducks want to grow to HUMAN PROPORTIONS so they can eat FRESH BREADCRUMBS and also get country club memberships.

WHAT TO DO

If you see a human child that claims to be lost, DO NOT TRUST IT. Chances are very good that this is a DUCK in DISGUISE. Here are some clues that the child is actually a DUCK:

— The child has a long, orange nose

— The child has feathers

— The child makes a quacking noise

— The child talks obsessively about ponds and streams

— The child’s name is “Mallard”

Unfortunately, some ducks have developed very good costumes. Even if the “lost” “human” “child” you are talking to does not display any of the above symptoms, you should still be cautious. The best way to make sure that a LOST CHILD is not actually a MONEY-STEALING DUCK is to throw it in a nearby pond, stream, or ocean. If it is indeed a duck, its costume will disintegrate when it hits the water, and you will be a HERO. BEWARE: if it is actually a child, it will drown.

THINGS DUCK-EXPOSING HEROES CAN LOOK FORWARD TO

— Commendations from the mayor

— More stale breadcrumbs for themselves

— Duck-free early retirement

DO NOT LET THE DUCKS GET THE BEST OF YOU. THEY KNOW HOW TO USE CREDIT CARDS AND ALSO HOW TO CALL YOUR EX-GIRLFRIENDS. IN YOUR HOUSE, ON THE STREET, OR IN THE WORKPLACE, ALWAYS BE AWARE OF POTENTIAL DUCKS.