I know, I know. I’ve been a bit distracted lately. I may have missed a meeting or two. I’m no longer on track to complete those goals we set up at my last performance review. I just want to set your mind at ease. My addiction to Candy Crush totally supports our company’s Mission Statement.

Go ahead and read over the Mission Statement. It’s posted on the wall right behind you. I’d read it myself, but I can’t look up from my phone right now. I’m close to completing this level, and I need to stay focused. But do you see that part about “Continuous Improvement?” That’s what Candy Crush is all about! The first few levels are simple. You line up three in a row of the same color, you clear the jelly, and you move up. Nothing could be easier. But it doesn’t stay easy. Things get real in a hurry. Or as real as they can in an alternate universe that sort of resembles the by-product of a drunken one-night stand between Bejeweled and Candyland that ended with broken latex and achingly sweet regret.

Now look at the third sentence. It says, “We strive to maintain a customer-centric approach.” What do you think our customers really want? Detailed product specifications? Accurate delivery dates? Please. I talk to these people every day. They might pretend to care about that boring crap, but that’s just to keep their bosses happy. What our customers really want are extra Candy Crush lives. And the only way to send them lives is to be logged into the game at all times. Just ask my buddy Kevin how clutch I was, sending him that life at three a.m. last Wednesday. Did I mention that Kevin’s first cousin is the husband of the Director of Purchasing for one of our biggest clients? I don’t see how I could possibly be any more customer-centric than that.

And what about that part about “Promoting Synergies Across All Business Platforms?” To be perfectly honest with you, I’m not even sure what that means. But yesterday I completed levels 102 and 103 while sitting in the dreaded fourth stall of the men’s room. You have to admit I’m promoting synergies across platforms most of your employees don’t even what to think about.

Now check out the end where it says, “Maintain a Lean Enterprise.” Do you realize I’m holding down the Candy Crush sector of this organization all by myself? That frees up everyone else for all that mundane stuff that is also important in its own way, like marketing and shipping, and actually making whatever it is we make here. And I’m on it around the clock. You’ll never need to worry about hiring a third shift Candy Crush Coordinator as long as I’m here.

This task I’ve taken on is not easy. Candy Crush is not all fun and games. The Lollipop Forest is a deep, dark, sticky place. And don’t get me started on the sugary horrors of the Peppermint Palace. That place…it stays with you forever. So when you get close, but can’t quite complete a level, the urge to hurl your phone across the room and scream “Suck my sour balls!” gets pretty strong. And I know that can be distracting to other employees. But now that you know what’s at stake, can you blame me?

As your new significant other, I understand that you will want me to meet certain needs. And who knows more about meeting people’s needs than our nation’s health insurance providers? That’s why I am following their lead and presenting you with this new high-deductible boyfriend plan. The high-deductible plan gives you the quality, value, and flexibility to craft a relationship that is right for you. I strongly encourage you to get down to business and take steps toward meeting the deductible as soon as possible. In the meantime, keep in mind that many benefits are available to you right away. For example:

From day one you can rely on me to escort you to an unlimited number of weddings.*

*Provided the wedding is local, has an open bar, and you are willing to drive to and from. The following weddings do not apply until after the deductible has been met: out of town weddings, cash bar weddings, and weddings where you want me to act as designated driver so you can get sloppy drunk.

When it comes to fixing things around the house, I fully encourage you to demonstrate your abilities as a strong, capable woman and do it yourself. But if you would like me to fix something for you, this plan has a generous two-tiered provision for home repairs. Tier One Repairs are eligible immediately. This tier encompasses all repairs requiring duct tape, super glue, and/or WD-40. They are covered at 100% for the first five minutes and 50% for up to ten minutes after that (after five minutes my efforts will become noticeably half-assed). Tier Two is for all repairs that require actual tools. This tier does not apply until after you meet the deductible.

You will notice my avid interest in electronics, as evidenced by my ability to spend countless hours watching ESPN and playing XBOX. As a side benefit, electronics repair is covered at 100% right from the start. That’s right! Effective immediately I will repair any of your electronic items that do not function properly.*

*Repair services are limited to the following: 1) Pressing the “on” button; 2) Plugging it in; 3) Unplugging it, then plugging it back in; 4) Flipping a wall switch; 5) Flipping a circuit breaker; 6) Re-booting; 7) Replacing batteries. For battery replacement, the batteries must be readily available, and the battery compartment must be accessible without the use of a screwdriver.

Removal/elimination of small, slow moving insects is covered 100%.*

*Provided they do not resemble a scaled-down version of that thing from Aliens.

This plan includes some exciting new movie options, including romantic comedies. This benefit is available before you meet the deductible.*

*Under this option I agree to watch one romantic comedy per month, which I will select from a list of “in-network” movies. Please note that movies from the Die Hard and Spider-Man franchises are included on the list of “in-network” romantic comedies.

This plan also has a special provision for dinner and game-night with one annoying vegan friend and her dull, non-sports-watching boyfriend.*

*This benefit is limited to one occurrence per calendar year.

Deductible Q & A

Q: How do I meet the deductible?

A: There are many things you can do to help reach the deductible. Most of them are not entirely unpleasant.

Q: How do I know how close I am to meeting the deductible?

A: I created a handy chart that will display your progress. Our healthy relationship is represented by a fruit basket. Every time you do something that brings you closer to meeting the deductible, an appropriate-sized piece of fruit will show up in the basket. When the basket is full, your deductible has been met. It’s that simple!

Q: Isn’t this just a ploy for your sexual gratification?

A: Nothing could be further from the truth. Only some of the fruit-bearing tasks have a sexual component, and tasks of a non-sexual nature generally yield larger numbers of fruit. For example, making me dinner is worth three grapes. Having intimate relations with me during a long weekend when I have decided not to shower or shave is worth one grapefruit. Bringing over your crazy-hot college roommate for a night of drunken strip poker is worth a watermelon. Picking me up from the airport is worth five craisins. The variety is endless, and the choices are all yours. Remember, this plan was created with your satisfaction in mind.