In today’s fast-paced Internet-driven age, it seems like we have instant access to all the information important to making life’s big decisions. Unfortunately, as expectant parents, you’re still almost entirely in the dark about the little Joey or Joanna you’ll be taking home to raise for eighteen (or more!) years. Besides the baby’s gender, what do you really know? Will he be an artist or an athlete? Will she like sushi or burritos? We know that these are the questions that keep you up at night. But science has failed you…

Until now! Here at Ultrasoundz Plus, our goal is to get future parents the nitty-gritty details of their future Michael or Michaela. With our customizable Process-guided Reveal Plans, you can choose how much you want to know about your upcoming bundle. To help you figure out if our services are right for you, we’ve put together a list of frequently asked questions (FAQ):

Q: What information can you reveal about our baby?

A: We can currently evaluate your baby in over five hundred domains, including:

—       Political affiliation

—       Likely college major

—       Favorite sports team

—       Spotify playlist preference

—       Estimated lifetime number of tattoos and piercings

—       Estimated lifetime number of sexual partners

—       Eye color

Q: A lot of these seem oddly specific. How do you do it?

A: We’re able to estimate the likelihood of particular traits through a combination of advanced ultrasound imaging, blood sample testing and pseudoscience.

Q: Wait…pseudoscience?

A: Did we say pseudoscience? Must have been a typo. We meant real, hardcore, actual “science.” With beakers and lab coats. The whole nine yards. And don’t let the fact that we put “science” in quotes make you question our “scientific” integrity. Just one of those weird regulatory quirks that the Trump administration will hopefully be doing away with.

Q: Well, how accurate are your findings?

A: It varies, of course, depending on which trait we’re analyzing.  For biological sex, we hit the nail on the head a solid 55% of the time. Everything else is a bit more hit-or-miss. But that’s “science” for you!

Q: So, what do you mean by “advanced ultrasound imaging”?

A: Well, while your neighborhood fly-by-night ultrasound clinic just looks at the basics like fetal size and penis presence, our Processors go the extra mile by examining fetal response to stimuli ranging from various musical genres to TED talks to excerpts of Russian literature.

Q: That sounds in-depth. How long does this exam take?

A: Roughly sixteen hours.

Q: What?

A: It flies by! We offer a wide variety of second-tier Hollywood titles and quasi-religious Process infomercials for the mom-to-be to watch while we subject her little hombre (or hombrette!) to a variety of noxious stimuli.

Q: Wow. So, how does this actually work?

A: We’ll give you an example. Like most expectant parents, you’ve probably wondered, “Which side will my little angel take in the ongoing feud between Taylor Swift and Katy Perry?” This is exactly the kind of question our Process is set up to answer. Through headphones placed strategically over the pregnant belly, we’ll play selections from the catalog of each pop princess and monitor fetal movements. We’ll also examine fetal blood cells cultivated from a maternal blood sample. Did you know there’s a gene associated with the phenotype of preferring Taylor Swift to Katy Perry?

Q: Really?

A: Are you a geneticist, a family member of a geneticist or otherwise a member of the “scientific” community?

Q: No.

A: Then, really!

Q: You keep mentioning the “Process.” What is that?

A: Oh, the details aren’t important. Suffice it to say that Processors are the reincarnated soldiers of the Western Song dynasty, now training under the guidance of Master Tyler in preparation for the Third Intergalactic War.

Q: So…you’re a cult?

A: Wow! Slow down there with your trigger words! You sound just like the IRS. Are you from the IRS?

Q: Umm…no.

A: Great! We should leave the details of what’s a “cult” vs. what’s a legitimate ultrasound business to the results of several ongoing lawsuits. The only two things that you need to know are:

1. We would like access to your human baby’s blood, and
2. We would like to play that baby some messages in utero while you watch a series of increasingly brain-cleansing videos.

And, in return, you’ll get a seventy-five-page personality profile! Ready to sign up???

Q: [  ]

A: Think it over, but don’t take too long! Our current Groupon is only available through the end of the week. And once the Third Intergalactic War begins, our staffing will be pretty bare-bones.

Dear Sir,

We were disappointed to see your recent one-star Google review of our pet boarding center. As our goal is to be the finest animal housing facility in the 1700 block of Broadway Blvd, we strive for 100% customer satisfaction. Please let us address some of the concerns raised in your review.

Concern #1: “My dog no longer understands anything I say.”

Response: As you no doubt remember from our 36-page introductory brochure, each dog spending a week or more here is given the opportunity to spend a portion of their boarding experience abroad as part of our language immersion program. It sounds like the problem is that, while your dog has grown in varied and profound ways, you remain stuck in a past that no longer exists. While your dog wants to discuss the brush techniques and use of effets de soir by the Impressionists, you want him to fetch a bouncy ball. While your dog wants to debate the effects of the current debt crisis on the long-term viability of the euro, you want him to “sit.” Here’s an idea — instead of “sit,” try one of these: “sjedi” (Croatian), “istu” (Finnish) or “said” (Polish). An even better idea: ask your dog about his cultural experience. It will draw the two of you closer.

Concern #2: “House of Ruff cost about $5 a day more than other facilities in the area.”

Response: You do realize we flew your dog to Europe so he could learn Polish, right?

Concern #3: “I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I’m pretty sure my dog now has a Republican agenda.”

Response: What do you mean “now” has a Republican agenda? Almost every dog is right-leaning. Family values, strong national defense, personal responsibility — these are core beliefs for the vast majority of canines. It is a complete coincidence that the man who comes by every afternoon to give tummy rubs and spoonfuls of peanut butter bears a strong resemblance to Newt Gingrich and that the man doling out disciplinary snout slaps looks a little like Barack Obama. Our policy is not to support any particular politician or party, although we do encourage active debate among our boarders by providing complementary copies of National Review and the Wall Street Journal.

Concern #4: “I think my dog may have a cocaine addiction.”

Response: This is one of the more common complaints that we hear. First off, let’s not overreact by throwing around the word “addiction.” Many dogs use recreational drugs on an occasional basis without developing physical or psychological dependence.

Since a dog boarding facility is a lot like a college dormitory, all of our dogs are required to watch a PowerPoint presentation originally created for freshmen orientation at Arizona State. It covers topics from binge drinking to sexual harassment, and includes a slide about illegal drug use. So, yes, we do take this issue very seriously.

Now, we do admit that it is pretty easy to get illegal substances here. We suspect this is due to our proximity to and affiliation with Camp Second Chances, one of the nation’s premier rehabilitation programs for household pets. Each Saturday night, we host a mixer for animals staying at the two facilities. The upside to this relationship is the strong positive impact our dogs have on the Second Chance animals. The downside, of course, is that a select few of our boarders may develop a taste for cocaine/ecstasy/salvia or be recruited into one of the local gangs, like the Eastside Kennel Krips, the WestMinster Mafia, or the Kanine Kings.

That being said, shouldn’t illegal drug abuse reflect more on the dog’s parent (i.e. you) than a temporary boarding facility? Let’s say you left your dog with us for a week — that’s like two months in dog years. If you abandoned your son for two months, would you be surprised if he fell in with the wrong crowd? Especially if you abandoned him right next to a camp for drug addicts? Sorry, but this one is on you, chief.

Hopefully this clears up any lingering concerns you have. We hope that you’ll consider the International House of Ruff for your future boarding needs. We have attached a 5%-off coupon, which is transferable to Camp Second Chances in case your dog makes the decision to get off the powder.

Best Wishes,

International House of Ruff