Okay, nobody panic. I’m sure it’s nothing, but every one of my emotional support snakes seems to have escaped their enclosure, and they’re now loose somewhere on this plane. Now I’m only telling you this so that nobody freaks out in the unlikely event anyone happens upon one of them.

First and foremost, the snakes are completely harmless. Unless they bite you. If that happens, you’d better administer anti-venom sooner rather than later, as every species aboard is lethal. I did pack my own supply, but the whole three ounce liquid rule really limited me. TSA, am I right?

I suppose though, if it’s absolutely necessary, I’m willing to part with some. That said, the snakes will only attack if they feel threatened by you. Or sometimes if they just feel like it. They are, after all, cantankerous creatures — but can’t we all be sometimes? And remember, except for the ones aboard that hunt you, snakes are more afraid of us than we are of them.

As for where they might be, well, your guess is as good as mine. They’re sneaky rascals. They usually prefer to be higher up, so I could easily see them in overhead compartments, but I wouldn’t rule out the floor or them nestling comfortably in between seat cushions. Oh — along those lines, please restrain your children from touching them. While they might appear to be “cute” or “neat” animals to pet, they are at work performing their jobs. That and, if given the chance, they can and will consume children.

If anyone has any emotional support mice they wouldn’t mind parting with, I’m sure that’ll help lure one, maybe two of them out. Also, if we have any trained snake handlers, now would definitely be the time to come forward, since I don’t really like handling them myself. And if you have snake tongs to wrangle them, great, but we could probably make do with a golf club under the circumstances. King Cobra perhaps? Sorry, had to.

Now, I bet some of you heard me say emotional support snakes, and you’re probably thinking “I didn’t even know poisonous snakes could be therapy pets!” Well, they sure can — notwithstanding the outright and explicit rejection from the Nation Service Animal Registry and every other animal governing board. These little guys, and not-so-little guys, have given me more affection than I could ever ask for.

That said, I was kind of hoping, in this day and age, that bringing therapy snakes on a flight would be a non-issue. Sadly, however, I can tell from the look on some of your faces that we still have a ways to go. I think we can all, however, collectively be upset with the TSA here — clearly they’re prejudiced against therapy pets in general, and specifically in this case against venomous snakes.

Despite the fact that I didn’t alert TSA to their presence and am technically on a no-fly list, can we all agree their accommodations were woefully inadequate? I mean, I practically had to sneak them aboard. And I know that my asking you to help wrangle poisonous therapy snakes is a bit of an inconvenience, but sometimes we’re asked to go above and beyond the call of duty. It’s really no different than sitting in an emergency exit row, if you ask me.

Also, if we could nip this in the bud before the flight attendants come around I’d be very appreciative. If stowing animals aboard a flight goes awry again, it’s probably my last strike with the airline. That, and I could really go for a ginger ale right now, and that’s not happening if we have a snake mess on our hands. Well, back to my episode of The Big Bang Theory. Let me know how everything goes!