Dear Members Of The “Vote Dylan Cutest Baby Ever!!!!!” Facebook Group,

While I appreciate you thinking of me, I regret to inform you that I will be declining your generous invitation to join this, the “Vote Dylan Cutest Baby Ever!!!!!” Facebook group.

Now, normally I wouldn’t even bother sending an RSVP for this kind of thing, I’d just assume that, by clicking the decline button, you would know I’m not interested. But seeing as I have already done that six times and yet somehow this invitation still manages to appear on my homepage every time I log in, I feel as though I have no other choice but to provide you all with a detailed explanation.

The following reasons are why I will not be joining your group (in no particular order):

1) I don’t really find Dylan all that cute.

No offense meant to his parents or anything, it’s just a matter of personal taste. And no, it’s not like I’m some straight-laced puritan who believes that in order to join a cute baby group I need to be able to look at said baby’s photo and say confidently, “Wow! What a gorgeous child! Mom, you’d better reinforce that bedroom door of his because it’s only a matter of years before those girls start knocking it down!!!” However, seeing as I am the one who has to live with my conscience, I do feel there needs to be at least some potential for me to work with.

Obviously you all share a different opinion, and really, I’m okay with that. But you’d have to be blind not to notice that this kid is severely lacking in the looks department. Maybe you could try again after he’s grown into his nose a little more? Or, better yet, start a group that focuses on his assets? If you were to invite me to join the “Vote Dylan Baby With The Most Deformed Head” group, or “Let’s Get This Kid’s Ears Pinned Back Before He Becomes a Target for Bullies,” I would definitely have no problem jumping on the “Go Dylan!” bandwagon.

2) As I’m sure many of you are aware, I used to sleep with Dylan’s father. Now, even though our passionate sexual liaisons meant absolutely nothing to me, they meant even less to him, which is why we finally decided it would be best if we made a clean break. So clean, in fact, that I had absolutely no idea a break had even been made until I ran into his sister at the salon and she told me she was going to be an Auntie.

Needless to say, I was so happy for her!

Regardless of what you all may think, the fact he chose that piece of trash (sorry Candice!) over me has absolutely no bearing on my decision. I only bring it up because if I were to join this fraudulent group, people might think I’m being biased, giving the impression that I only became a member in the first place because Dylan’s father and I used to have sex (with each other!) all the time. Now if these same people were to later come up to me and say “Hey? What gives?” I would have no choice but to tell them that unlike some skanks (sorry again Candice!), I made Dylan’s father wear protection, and that is why I don’t have my own “VOTE MY KID CUTEST BABY EVER!!!” group.

I’m sure you’ll agree that if Dylan were to win this contest (which I guarantee you he won’t), it should be on the up and up, not because of some underhanded ploy where people felt compelled to join a group they didn’t believe in and were only doing it because they slept with the baby’s father. Because in the end it’s all about Dylan, and one can only imagine the negative effect it would have on this poor little homely child to grow up not only believing he’s better looking than he really is, but also thinking that it’s okay to cheat on Facebook groups. And “sort-of” girlfriends.

3) I don’t believe in favoritism. If I were to join this group I’d be sending a message to all of my other Facebook friends out there, many of whom have children with men who don’t run off getting other women pregnant, that their babies aren’t as cute as little Dylan. When in reality, nothing could be further from the truth.

I trust this explanation will prove sufficient and you’ll refrain from sending me these invites in the future. In fact, maybe it would be easier if you all just removed me from your friends list entirely? I mean, it’s your call, but seeing as I only added you in the first place to prove I had no hard feelings (not to mention the fact that I didn’t think any of you would accept), it probably doesn’t make sense for us to continue living this lie.

Hope all of you are doing well, and best of luck with your group.

Signed,

Tom’s ex