I’d like to stay in a new Penultimate Southeastern brand hotel. Should I choose the Penultimate Southeastern “Classic” or the Penultimate Southeastern “Premium” location?

We’re glad you asked! Both hotels are of the highest quality and feature all the comforts a busy traveler expects, including free parking, convenient airport proximity and complimentary towels. Your choice depends on nothing more than your lifestyle preferences!

The Penultimate Southeastern Classic is $7.99 per night and the Premium is $130. Why the price difference?

The differences between the hotels are minor. The beds in our Penultimate Southeastern Premium Hotels are slightly more comfortable and feature 600 thread-count 100% Egyptian cotton sheets. You can rest easy knowing each of your bed’s four legs will remain on the floor for the duration of your stay. And at either property, you can enjoy morning coffee at our adjoining cafes!

Wouldn’t my bed legs stay on the floor no matter where I stayed?

We certainly can’t vouch for the bed stability of other hotel chains. But we can promise that both the Penultimate Southeastern Classic and Penultimate Southeastern Premium properties feature complimentary robes, scented shampoos and eco-friendly disposable shower caps! Forgot your toothbrush? No problem! Just stop by the front desk and one will be provided to you at no cost. As a bonus, the Penultimate Southeastern Premium Hotel is also built on ground approved and blessed by Indian shamans, making it 100% guaranteed poltergeist-free.

Wait, are you saying the Penultimate Southeastern Classic has poltergeists?

No, of course not! We’re only saying that we can’t guarantee that it does not have poltergeists. What we CAN guarantee is that both our family-friendly properties have 100% free cable! Watch your favorite shows and access hundreds of on-demand movies! Just stay the recommended distance away from the television screens and there is almost no chance you’ll be sucked into an inter-dimensional vortex.

What’s an inter-dimensional vortex?

It is very much like, but not completely identical to the inter-dimensional wormholes possibly located in certain closets at the Penultimate Southeastern Classic property. But you’ll be too busy enjoying our 100% free Wi-Fi access to pay any attention to the ankle-biting clowns that may or may not live underneath your firm, clean bed, lovingly turned down nightly by our stunningly fast team of room technicians.

Are they fast because they’re efficient, or because they’re terrified of the ankle-biting clowns?

I’m sorry, Sir, I think your cell phone dropped there for a moment and I didn’t catch that.

I’m on a landline.

Did we mention that both our properties feature room massage and spa services upon request? Whether you like Swedish or warm stone massage, we can take the stress out of your busy day! I should note that this service is temporarily unavailable in our Classic property until we’re able to retrieve the masseuse.

Retrieve the masseuse?

Did I say retrieve? I meant “find.”

Did she quit?

Something like that.

I think I’d prefer to stay in the Penultimate Southeastern Premium Hotel.

We thought you would.

Are you aware that “Penultimate” actually means “second-to-last”?

No, it doesn’t. It means “best.”

No…it means “second-to-last.”

But it has the word “ultimate” in it. That’s impossible.

Well, inflammable means flammable.

* * * * * * *

Hello?

Hold your horses. I’m Googling it.

Oh. Sorry.

Shit.

Told you.

Well, you don’t have to be all superior about it. Do you have ANY idea how many logo towels we had printed? Not to mention napkins, little plastic cups, matchbooks…

Honestly, I think you have bigger troubles than the name.

Sigh. You have no idea. This whole thing has been a nightmare. If it isn’t the vortex it’s the wormhole, if it isn’t the wormhole, it’s the clowns…

At least the Penultimate Southeastern Premium Hotel is guaranteed to be 100% poltergeist free.

We might have fudged that stat a little.

It isn’t 100% poltergeist free?

More like 30%.

Oh.

There are actually about 45% more clowns. But their arms seem shorter, so if you take a sort of running leap off the bed —

Could you, ah, maybe give me the number for the Marriott?

Yep. Have it right here.