Dear Popular and Beautiful Abercrombie & Fitch Customer,
Our records show that last year, you purchased a pair of Abercrombie & Fitch “destroyed pants.” We hope you are enjoying our subtly scarred handcrafted abrasions, over-worn fading, unique paint splattering, holes, and other designer damage inflicted on an otherwise perfect pair of jeans/khakis.
Because of your discriminating tastes, we at A&F would like to give you a heads up on A&F’s 2008 “destroyed pants” fashions. This year, we’re taking a different approach. Our vision for the “destroyed pants” line was for customers to look like they lived more adventurous lives than they really did — lives that destroyed pants.
For our 2008 line, A&F is taking that concept one step further. We are proud to introduce our limited edition specialty “destroyed pants” line: pants destroyed by actual previous owners!
Panhandle Pants:
Pants previously worn by homeless people. Never say “Get a job” again. They work for A&F now! Pants are individually decorated with a collage of wine stains, charcoal marks, patches and newspaper insulation. Also available in vintage “Hobo” edition. Note: No homeless people were hurt in the making of these pants.
Pant-aloons:
Pants previously worn by a nineteenth-century dandy. The fabric is worn down by a life of extreme leisure and decadence, mainly by long bouts of sitting, intense revels, cucumber sandwich stains, rambling walks on treacherous country estates, and of course, scuffles incited by ribald witticisms. These are hazards that come with having no profession, other than elegance (sound familiar, A&F customer?! J/K).
Cargo Pants:
Pants damaged in the transportation of goods, previously worn by Sherpas and/or Peruvian drug smugglers.
Cross-the-border Pants:
Why let illegal Mexican immigrants be the only ones on the cusp of “destroyed pants” fashion? Pants damage includes those abrasions acquired from traversing the American border, jumping over fences, hiding, forged-paper-ink stains and menial labor wear-and-tear. Note: All A&F buyer transactions were done through proxy with no actual knowledge of the wearer’s legal status.
Pant-ies:
Pants previously worn by people who wore them as underwear. Stains include everything that could happen when you do that.
Pants-a-la-Codpiece:
Pants damaged by being worn with a codpiece. The codpiece and pants’ fabric have fused, giving you that “bulgy” look (not that you would need it, young and virile customer!). Pick retro-codpieces circa fifteenth or sixteenth century, or the “millennium line,” which features the David Bowie codpiece (large), the Batman codpiece (medium) and the Barry Bonds “cup” codpiece (small and extra-small).
Land Mine Pants:
…which are more like shorts. If life gives you lemons, create lemonade! If life gives you land mines, create summer fashions.
Dress-Pants:
Regular pants that were damaged in their early years by being raised as a dress.
Trouser-Pants:
Pants previously worn by citizens of Britain. Damage includes anything that would befall a citizen living in the world’s fifth-richest country, mainly from standing in a “queue,” getting hit by a “lorry,” or smoking “fags.”
Hammer Pants:
Pants previously worn by MC Hammer, while being beaten by debt collectors with an actual hammer. Note: Hammer didn’t hurt them.
“Emperor’s New Clothes” Pants:
Pants previously owned by an emperor with a keen eye for fashion. Pants slightly damaged by time, but otherwise in impeccable condition. Note: The pants are invisible to people who are stupid, ugly and/or unfashionable. But for a mere $425, these pants will ensure that you’re not one of those people!
“Pants” Rowland Pants:
Pants previously worn by “Pants” Rowland (1879-1969), a seminal figure in minor league baseball known for his drunken temper and outlandish grass stains.
“Ants-in-your-pants” Pants:
Pants previously owned by a colony of ants. Pants damaged by a network of awesome tunnels and scattered mandible bites. Warning: Pants may contain intact egg horde and several worker drones. Vigorous dancing and shaking is recommended.
That concludes the A&F 2008 line of limited edition specialty “destroyed pants.” Thank you for living the Abercrombie & Fitch lifestyle. We hope you enjoy our dedication to high-quality, casual luxury clothing.
Sincerely,
Abercrombie & Fitch
