If I had to describe myself in one word, it would be unpredictable.

I like to keep people guessing. One minute I might be describing myself in a word, and the next I’m jumping into a tank full of hungry tiger sharks. It’s like nobody really knows what I’m going to do next.

If I had to describe myself in two words, they would be unpredictable (see above) and fearless. Because obviously I would have to be fearless to jump into a tank full of hungry tiger sharks.

If I had describe myself in three words, they would be unpredictable (above), fearless (again, above) and labyrinthine. Labyrinthine is a synonym for complex. Sure, I could have just said complex, but like I said, I’m unpredictable.

Also, I like the way labyrinthine rolls off my tongue.

Now, here’s where things get interesting. If I had to describe myself as an animal, I would be a pygmy marmoset. Not many people know this, but the pygmy marmoset is “Nature’s Cutest Animal.” I like to think of myself as “Humankind’s Cutest Human.”

Or, maybe I’d be a cat. Tough to say.

If I had to be two animals, I would be a pygmy marmoset/cat and a whawk. What’s a whawk? I’m glad you asked. A whawk is a whale. With hawk eyes.

Technically they don’t exist yet –- I’m working on the patent now. If all goes as planned, the whawk should be in existence by the fall of 2014. (Fingers crossed!)

If I had to be two animals before 2014, I would be anything but a cat.

Now, if I had to describe myself as an insect, without question I would be a cockchafer. A cockchafer is a large European beetle.

Actually, now that I think about it I would also use cockchafer as one of my describing words. I would take out unpredictable and replace it with cockchafer. Because by doing that, people would already know that I’m unpredictable. It’s like it goes without saying.

Let’s say I had to describe myself as a font. Easy! I would be Party LET. Only I would switch it around and add an ‘s’. That way I’d be LET’s Party!

If I wasn’t allowed to do that, I’d say “Too bad. I’m an unpredictable cockchafer, remember?”

If I had to be a dance move (because you can’t be LET’s Party! without dancing), I would be the swinging pendulum. Trust me when I say that it’s my thang.

That being said, if I had to be a thang, I would be a G thang. Only because I don’t know any other thangs.

If I had to describe myself as a rock band playing music for my swinging pendulum/G Thang, I’d be any band except Meat Loaf’s. I hate Meat Loaf.

Don’t get me wrong, if I had to be a main course I would definitely be meatloaf. In this case I love meatloaf.

Moving on, if I had to describe myself as a professional wrestling move, I would be the bionic elbow. I mean, really, how cool would it be to have a bionic elbow? It’s like being part superhero or something.

Which reminds me, if I had to be part superhero, I would be Describer Woman.

“Faster than a really cute pygmy marmoset, more powerful than a bionic elbow and able to describe herself in thismanyways!” Or something like that. I haven’t really decided yet.

If I had to describe myself as a Starbucks coffee, I would have to pass. Only because I don’t drink coffee.

You might think it’s strange that I don’t drink coffee. You’re probably like, “What do you mean? Everybody drinks coffee.” And I’m like, “Well, I don’t.” And you’re all, “Well, that’s just weird,” and I’m all, “Oh, yeah? Well, if I had to describe myself as a pet peeve, I would be you.”

Finally, if I had to describe myself as a fruit, I would be a kumquat.

No reason.

So, yeah. I guess you could say that in a nutshell, I’m a fearless non-coffee drinking labyrinthine pygmy marmoset Describer Woman, with a bionic elbow and hawk eyes who hates Meatloaf but loves meatloaf and has cockchafing tendencies and likes to show off her G thang at parties where she also does the pendulum and doesn’t drink coffee. Kumquat.

Though if I had to describe myself in a nutshell, it would probably be walnut.

…Or maybe macadamia?

To be honest, I haven’t thought that far ahead.