UNDERGRADUATE:
P.R. 103. “Tread Lightly, or I’ll F— You Up”: The Rhetoric of Insult
Instructor (visiting): P.I. Scheisskopf
Have you ever been at a loss for words when confronted by “them”? Learn perfect put-downs for 200+ targets, including women, gays, New Jersey, animals (pigs/dogs), Muslims, Republicans, celebrities, journalists, fat slobs (“the obese”), the electoral process, Broadway musicals, Latinos, Jews, The United States and other nations, cripples (“the disabled”), Democrats, prisoners of war and Macy’s. “People have got to stop working to try to be so politically correct.”
P.R. 122. If It Was Good the First Time: The ABC’s of Borrowing in Political Discourse
Instructor: M. K. Dondikova III
What’s your M.O. for covering up the “P-word”? Learn to do the political catwalk! Dozens of undetectable methods, such as replacing source materials with details from your own rich life experience. To coin a phrase, “Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.”
P.R. 161. Pants on Fire: The Big Lie
Instructor: Connie Anne Kelway
The instructor, who was named “Most Valuable Player” in the 2016 Hyper Bowl, will demonstrate tried-and-true techniques of prevarication, such as accusing opponents of what you, yourself, are doing, and practicing the time-honored adage, “If you say it often enough…” Cross your fingers and hope you’re among the lucky, lucky few selected for this mega-u$eful class!
–Enrollment limited to the first 5,000 applicants.
P.R. 199. “Wrong, Wrong, Wrong!”: The New Forensics
Instructor: Beauregard “Buster” Cow-Chips
You will learn classical techniques for holding articulate, well-prepared opponents to no worse than a draw in debates where you know nada. Climate science? Macroeconomics? Geopolitics? No problemo! A must for party animals, students who carry bigly course loads to pad their transcripts, and dudes (and dudettes!) who hate to read!
GRADUATE:
P.R. 250. Selling Out: Digital Marketing to America’s Shrinking Majority
Instructor: E. Z. Ripovski
At a time when so many real Americans have so little disposable income, you can become a slam-dunk digital marketeer! Learn the difference between 301 and 302 redirects, Alexa ranks and XML sitemaps. Don’t let your domain expire! Sell survival kits, ethnically-themed lawn statuary, potency enhancers, paintball paraphernalia, politically incorrect bumper stickers, weight loss/gain regimens, customized marksmanship targets, hair-loss remedies (“We shall over-comb”) and much, much more!
–Expect at least one guest appearance from You-Know-Who!
P.R. 333: The Great Ones: American Presidential Slogans
Instructor: A. Hicks-Cup
This course will begin with a historical survey, from “54-40 or Fight,” to “It’s Only Fair to Leave Taft in the Chair,” to “Make America Hate Again.” Then, since hindsight is foresight, why not consider a run of your own? (We’ve all been dissed, right?) Students will be taught to create their own campaign slogans.
–Victory guaranteed, or tuition may be partly refunded.
P.R. 417: Going Viral: Destabilizing the Traditional Dichotomy between Personal and Mass Communications
Instructor: Yolanda Spinner
Learn cutting-edge techniques for substituting “he said/she said” and faux news (terrorist attacks, climate change, pizzeria molestations) for fact. Ms. Spinner has worked as a senior publicist for prestigious social networking corporations across the globe.
Prerequisite: I.T. 419: Computer as Tool, Computer as Target: Fraud, Identity Theft, Malware, Hacking/Phishing.
P.R. 666: Byte Me: Elections in the Internet Age
Instructor (visiting): Valid Input
This course will demonstrate electronic methods for introducing global suffrage into national elections.
–Prerequisite: I.T. 419.
–Admission also subject to interview with Colonel Input.
