Thank you for calling the Chrome Donkey Truck Co. driver hotline! We really want to know how our drivers are doing, so please share your experience with us by following these directions and answering a few simple questions.

To report a good experience with a Chrome Donkey Truck Co. driver, press 1.

To report a bad experience with a Chrome Donkey Truck Co. driver, press 2.

If your bad experience involved only a verbal altercation or misunderstanding, however disturbing, press 1.

If there was a physical accident of some kind, press 2.

Was it a minor accident? If so, press 1.

If it was a major accident, press 2.

If the accident was so major that you are now in a full body cast and unable to move your hand, ask the attending physician or nurse to press 3 for you.

If the accident was way beyond major and caused third-degree burns over most of your body and face, making speech impossible, try to establish a “one blink for yes, two blinks for no” communication code with your caregivers, and then convey that they should press 4 for you.

If your eyelids are fused together or no longer there, see if you can wiggle your ears (of course we’re using “see” in the figurative sense here). If so, try to establish a “one wiggle for yes, two wiggles for no” communication code with your caregivers. Once they have stopped chuckling, convey that they should press 5 for you, and have them do all the button pressing from here on out.

Which of the following came flying through your windshield during the accident? Press the pound key for each item that applies.

* Hubcap.

* Tire iron.

* Tire (fully inflated).

* Tire (exploded).

* Chrome Donkey Truck Co. driver (fully clothed).

* Chrome Donkey Truck Co. driver (partially clothed, partially on fire).

* Chrome Donkey Truck Co. driver (naked and charred).

* Cow (mad).

* Cow (not mad, exactly, but feelings very hurt).

* Other livestock in varying states of emotional distress.

* Barrel of oil.

* Barrel of industrial cyanide (top intact).

* Barrel of industrial cyanide (top breached).

* Crate of dynamite (no blasting caps).

* Crate of dynamite (with blasting caps).

* Large chunks of weapons-grade plutonium.

* Sidewinder missile.

Now press 1 if the driver apologized.

Press 2 if the driver did not apologize, but had a look on his face as if he might be about to.

Press 3 if you can’t be sure whether the driver apologized because, as far as you remember, there was no driver.

Press 4 if you can’t be sure whether the driver apologized because, as far as you remember, the driver was a wide-eyed orangutan wearing pilot’s goggles.

Press 5 if you are a member of the Orangutan Workers Union and are calling to demand safer working conditions for orangutans in general.

Press 6 if you are Chuckles The Orange and are looking for your “one banana, two banana” severance package from this morning’s horrific 12-vehicle collision.

If you feel the accident was your fault, press 7.

Just kidding! If a Chrome Donkey Truck Co. driver was to blame, press 8.

Next, do you want to take your case to court? If so, press 1.

If you’re willing to settle out of court, press 2.

Now press the number with which your desired settlement amount begins.

Finally, press 0 for every decimal place in your desired settlement amount, or until you see a smile on your attorney’s face.

And thank you again for calling the driver hotline at the Chrome Donkey Truck Co., where — when we’re not driving over you in a jackknifed, out-of-control 18-wheeler — we’re proud to be driving you nuts.