Will the president sue you?
He might. And as a citizen, you need to be prepared for this eventuality. When Donald Trump is in the White House, he will use every advantage to make America great again, including, if necessary, suing you.
Know your rights
Trump has the best lawyers. They know every tool of the legal system and how to use each one with surgical precision to bring you to heel, bankrupt you, or simply drag you though the courts for years until you’re a soulless shell of your former self with no memory of the innocent bliss that was once your pitiful life.
In the likely event that you are sued by the future president, it will be important for you to remember that Donald Trump is the victim here. You are the defendant. Whatever your future offense, there’s only one person to blame: yourself.
What to do if you’re sued
Besides following the clear dictates of Trump’s legal team, articulated in your summons or cease-and-desist letter, you can also try one of the following:
- Summon a demon more powerful than Trump.
- Invent a time machine and go back in time before you did the thing that Trump is suing you for, unless Trump is suing you for stealing his idea for a time machine. In that case, doing this will only make things worse.
Simple Tips to Avoid Being Sued by President Trump
There’s no way to guarantee the president won’t sue you. Your most prudent course of action will be to decrease the likelihood of being sued by President Trump by employing the following helpful hints:
— When speaking of the president, be sure to use one of these acceptable adjectives:
- Terrific
- Amazing
- Incredible
- Very good
- Very nice
— Refrain from using any of the president’s registered catch phrases:
- “You’re fired”
- “Make America great again”
- “Complete disaster”
- “Billions”
- “Moron”
- “China”
— Don’t disagree with Donald Trump.
— Don’t write a letter to Donald Trump.
— Chant, “Trump! Trump! Trump!”
— Never initiate eye contact. And if you do, never break it.
— Don’t marry Donald Trump.
— Don’t do business with Donald Trump.
— Live on a life raft in international waters outside the known boundary of any recognized legal jurisdiction.
— Be directly related to Donald Trump.
— Have Donald Trump’s blood type and be there when he needs your blood.
— Stop spreading the lies of science.
— Get your facts straight.
— Just shut up.
— Live in the sewers and emerge only under the cover of darkness to scavenge the filth of the street to survive.
