All-Purpose Parking Lot Regulations

Please note that the hours of operation are for our convenience, not yours.

Please take a ticket when entering the lot. Failure to take a ticket will result in payment of the maximum daily rate squared and/or impoundment of your vehicle.

Please leave a $20 deposit with the attendant as well as your driver’s license and at least two major credit cards.

Please leave your keys with the attendant. We are not responsible for any damage to your vehicle, additional tire wear or excess mileage reading on your odometer.

Please ensure that your gas tank is at least 3/4 full.

Please do not complain if your radio presets have been changed. Accept that some people have different tastes in music.

Please do not lose your ticket. It is your only hope of ever retrieving your vehicle.

Please do not quibble about the extra fifteen minute charge. Accept that not all clocks are perfectly synchronized.

Please do not complain to the attendant about exorbitant parking charges. He cannot understand you.

Please note that no one has ever successfully qualified for the “Early Bird Special.”

Please park in designated parking spaces only. If there are no free spaces left, please leave your car with the attendant who will make space for it.

Please do not complain about scratches, dents or multiple striations on the bumpers and sides of your vehicle. Please remember that space is at a premium.

Please stop if you feel speed bumps as this lot does not have speed bumps.

Please do not park in the handicap spot unless you have a valid permit or have been mugged after entering the lot.

Please do not complain about food stains on your back seat. Our employees have to eat somewhere.

Please lock all valuables in your trunk. Management is not responsible for any lost or stolen property.

Please do not leave bodies in the trunk. That is management’s responsibility.

Please do not lock your glove compartment. This will avoid unnecessary crowbar and screwdriver damage.

Please do not complain about used condoms or syringes in your car. We’re just trying to make a living.

Please do not complain that it would be cheaper to park your car on the street. If you could have found a space on the street, you wouldn’t be begging us for a spot. Have a nice day.

— THE MANAGEMENT