Frankenstein

This is what you get when you let Emperor Obama have his way with health care, sweetie. One day you walk into an outpatient clinic for a routine tonsillectomy; seven hours and one lightning storm later, you’re sewn up with corpse limbs. Sure, it might be fun to dress up like an undead neuter for a costume party — but just imagine how it would feel to look like Hillary Clinton every single day of the year. Up high, Sam! And pace yourself on the Mellowcreme Harvest Mix. It’s like eating candles.

It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown

What’s the name of this movie? “It’s the Great Handout, Middle America?” If I recall, in this “lovable” “family-friendly” “classic,” Linus spends the night waiting for the Great Pumpkin to appear. I’ll crack open the fun-size Milk Duds right now if you know of a clearer analogy for Democrats waiting for some magical economic cure-all while they spend, spend, spend?? Here’s a little tip-or-treat, Sammy: You don’t wait for miracles to happen. You cut arts programming and health care for veterans and make that deficit go bye-bye.

The Addams Family

Sure, they’re creepy and they’re kooky — but what’s more is that they’re unemployed. And I can tell you something else, pal: Uncle Fester, the guy practically raising those kids by himself, ain’t fooling anyone with the bachelor act. You know what a bachelor is, honey. Remember how Mommy’s brother Ricky left Aunt Karen to live with that antiques dealer with the rattail? And Mommy hasn’t let Ricky see you in four years? That’s because he has the same lifestyle as Uncle Fester.

Scream

If liberals get their way and sex-ed replaces math and science, kids all over this country will turn kissing-crazy just like the high school hellcats in this movie! Goodbye promise rings, hello adult wrestling in the backseat of foreign hybrids. What’s adult wrestling? Fair question, honey. Adult wrestling is something married men and women do when they’re in love, or when they need a stress valve that also diminishes the likelihood of coronary disease. I don’t know why Mommy makes wrestling noises when she’s alone in the bathtub, no. More Mellowcreme Harvest Mix?

Father of the Bride II

What’s this doing here? No idea. But I do know this: if we didn’t outsource our jobs to robots, maybe Netflix queues would be more intuitive and service would start to mean something in this country. That being said, how hilarious is it when Martin Short leads that mommies-to-be aerobics class? I can’t get enough of Diane Keaton. That’s it, I’m watching this again tonight.

Casper

Here we go, the original welfare queen. I’m sorry, honey, but here’s a guy who’s perfected the art of getting free handouts by rattling a chain. And don’t give me that crap about how he’s so friendly — you’d better be friendly if you’re going to live in my house rent-free. Remember how we let Uncle Ricky live in the game room back when Aunt Christie threw him out? Uncle Ricky hung out all day in his robe, just like Casper.

Rosemary’s Baby

Aren’t women great? Finally, a movie that shows how a single mom can triumph, without the help of Big Government, in the face of adversity. A woman with understandable concerns about motherhood decides to keep her baby, raising it with the help of family and friends — not food stamps. It’s a heartwarming tale of self-reliance for young and old alike. Break out the Sno-Caps, kiddo!