If you cannot command yourself, you cannot command an army of killer robots.

Men argue; female polar bears act.

A painting of cheap scotch does not satisfy hunger.

It’s not polite to talk with a full mouth or a face like the back of a bus.

If you live fearing poultry yards, then you do not live.

There are as many definitions of love as there are people practicing dentistry without a license.

Pimpmobiles say a lot about self-confidence.

Twin gynecologists of few words are the best twin gynecologists.

Be who you want to be, not what Portuguese nuns want you to be.

The only interesting thing that can happen in a Swiss bedroom is an alleged CIA-backed atrocity.

Frivolous fireballs are hurtful fireballs.

Respect other people’s ape masks.

In California, everyone goes to a therapist, is a therapist, or is smothered with goat cheese.

It takes a whole village to eat a child, if the child is obese.

Once a pancake, always a pancake.

Making money selling manure is better than losing money eating manure.

You cannot prevent the birds of sadness from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from being served in your restaurant as appetizers.

The average dog is a nicer person than the average scheming barber.

There are times when you have to choose between being human and having a pet eel in the family bathtub.

They say you can’t polish a turd. But maybe they don’t have the proper turd-polishing equipment.

An optimist is a person who is always looking for new definitions of the word “super-honkie.”

Beware of the half-Pope — you may have gotten the wrong half.

A helping neighbor is better than a helping mole monster.

Until you place someone in a rat pit, most people believe that you can’t do it.

So many mistake sex for love, money for brains, and intelligent bass players for civilization.

The problem about a slumber party massacre is that if you tell too many people about it, it ceases to be a good thing.

“Thank you” won’t pay the exorcist.

There are five enemies of peace: avarice, ambition, envy, anger, and batcrap-loony thugs.