A Short Story, About Something Really Annoying

* You accidentally get locked inside your bathroom, which is full of mosquitoes.

* The mosquitoes keep trying to bite you but, just as you start trying to swat them, you realize that they may become your only source of food as the time inside this small bathroom wears on.

* You also realize that you are the mosquitoes’ only source of food and they will die if you stop them from drinking your blood, possibly depriving you of food in the future. So you take off your clothes, sit tightly on the toilet with your eyes clenched, and suffer mosquito bite after mosquito bite, just to fatten up the darned insects, so that you will have something to survive on when you begin to starve to death in a few days.

* Then, a couple hours later, when you’re covered in mosquito bites from head to toe, your buddy Ralph comes by and unlocks the bathroom door.

Moral: Do not lock yourself in a bathroom.

***

An Even Shorter Story, About Something Even More Annoying

* All the vacations to Belgium and France are booked up for spring break, so you settle for a trip to the slums of Colombia.

* Determined to still experience the taste of some fresh croissants purchased from a local bakery, you walk around the streets of Colombia until you find a bakery with a sign outside reading “We Are A Local Bakery Serving Fresh Croissants, Much Like A Similar Bakery Would In France.”

* You enter the bakery and are viciously beaten with a plastic bag full of stale rock-hard Kaisers.

Moral: Feel free to get locked in a bathroom. Just don’t try to buy croissants from a Colombian bakery again.

***

An Even Shorter Story Than The Shorter Story, And Definitely More Annoying

* You accidentally get locked inside a bathroom in a local Colombian bakery while attempting to buy a lemon tart.

* There are no mosquitoes inside this bathroom which you could fatten up on your own blood to eat later.

* There is, however, a ruthless baker covered in tattoos named Salianto inside the bathroom, who proceeds to pummel you to death with a bag full of stale rock-hard Kaisers and a comically large rolling pin.

Moral: Okay, add back the first moral about not locking yourself in bathrooms. And change the second moral to include all baked goods, not just croissants.

***

Even Shorter Than The Last Story, And Even More Annoying Too, Even Though The Last Story Included Your Own Death Which Probably Really Burned You Up

* At your funeral, your friend Ralph does the eulogy, and he tells everyone about how you were killed by being beaten with a bag full of stale rock-hard Kaisers and a comically large rolling pin.

* Everyone laughs, and a few people make rolling-pin gestures.

Moral: In the future, make sure morals from your past really annoying stories include more details about how to avoid death.

***

A Shorter Story That’s Possibly Even More Annoying Than Dying and Having Your Friends Laugh At You At Your Funeral, If That’s Even Possible

* During the funeral, your long-lost brother Raoul, separated from you at birth, runs into the room with a suitcase in each hand, a scrapbook with old newspaper clippings hinting at your whereabouts, and two tickets to France for spring break.

Moral: Who told you to go to Colombia anyway? I don’t remember the moral of the first story mentioning that sensible piece of advice. Clearly, there are a lot of issues at work here, not the least of which is your jaunting off to dangerous South American slums and killing yourself. What’s the point of morals if you never take their advice?

***

The Story Where You Enter The Action In The First Person, Blow The Increasingly-Shorter-Story Rules Out Of The Water, And Come To Near Blows With Your Moral-Spouting Alter-Identity

* I’m not to blame here! Who knew that a ruthless baker would beat me to death inside a Colombian bakery? Nobody, that’s who. Your pointless morals certainly didn’t warn me. Don’t eat croissants? What kind of moral is that?

Moral: You’re so predictable and whiny. I could have just read the title and skipped the body of the story, that’s how predictable you are. You’ll probably argue with me in the title of the next story. Get ready everyone, here it comes!

***

The Death Of The Moral-Spouting Alter-Identity

* If what you say is true, then this should probably kill you once and for all.

Moral: Ah, but it didn’t. And do you know why?

***

The Story Where The Moral-Spouting Alter-Identity Reveals That He Has Taken Control Of The Story Titles And Can Never Die

* No!

Moral: Oh yes!

***

What’s The Point Of Going On? The Hero Is Dead. He was Killed In A Colombian Bakery. He Isn’t Coming Back. The Only Real Mystery Left In This Story Is The Identity Of Me, The Moral-Spouting Alter-Identity Who, For Some Reason, Takes Great Pleasure In Abusing Our Hero

* Ralph? Is that you? Thanks for letting me out of the bathroom, man, but seriously, what’s up? The funeral thing was pretty funny, but these shenanigans have gone too far. A joke’s a joke, man. Ralph? Lay off it. Please just let me rest.

Moral: Say hello to your brother.

***

The Ultimate End

* Raoul, no! But why! Why!

Moral: Because I wanted to go to France! I spent months trying to find you, and bought non-refundable airline tickets so we could go on a vacation together and learn about each other’s lives. I wanted to spend time with you. I wanted us to be together. But what do I find when I finally get to you? You’re dead, man. You went on a stupid Spring Break trip and got yourself killed. I missed the flight to France because of your wake. I will never forgive you for the heartbreak you’ve caused me. I will always desire what I cannot have. So rest, dear brother. But do not rest in peace.

Moral: Don’t buy nonrefundable airline tickets