Tonight’s performance will begin in a few moments.

In case of an emergency, there are three emergency exits in this theater: the two doors on either side of Row T marked “NO EXIT” and the swinging doors separating the saloon from the barbershop in Act I.

Understudies never substitute for listed players unless a specific announcement is made at the time of the performance. Tonight, the role of the Villain in the Black Hat will be played by its understudy, Benjamin Stone. The role of the Black Hat will be played by its understudy, the White Dinner Jacket.

Please silence your cell phones.

Patrons arriving late will be seated during the general confusion sown by the disappearance of the brothel owner’s parakeet during Act I, Scene 3.

In Act II, the role of manly humility will be played by bitchy self-regard.

In tonight’s audience, the role of Dr. Robert Farnsworth’s elegant wife, ordinarily seated next to him in Row M, Seat 114, is apparently being played by a mysterious young tramp in an inappropriately revealing dress.

In Act III, Scene 2, the role of the deadly exchange of gunfire will be played by a catty exchange of insults.

In tonight’s audience, the role of The Idiot Who Thinks the Cell Phone Announcement Doesn’t Apply to Him is played by the guy in Row B, Seat 5, wearing the ill-advised light wash jeans.

In Act III, Scene 3, the strong, silent type will be played by the endlessly prattling foppish twit.

In tonight’s audience, the role of Dr. Robert Farnsworth, ordinarily seated in Row M, Seat 113, is apparently being played by Dr. Farnsworth’s twin brother, the Right Reverend Barry Farnsworth. The role of the Mysterious Young Tramp in the Inappropriately Revealing Dress in Row M, Seat 114 is being played by Rev. Farnsworth’s lovely daughter Tory. Management regrets the error.

In Act III, Scene 4, the naïve optimism of youth will be played by the bitter wisdom of age.

In Act IV, the vast, empty expanse of the frontier will be played by the soot-choked byways of the industrial metropolis. Patrons suffering from bronchial conditions are cautioned not to sit in the first six rows.

No coughing is permitted during tonight’s performance. Those who require lozenges are requested to unwrap them now. Those who dislike the sticky feeling left by holding unwrapped lozenges are requested to pull their Redi Wipes out of the crinkly plastic package now. Those who dislike the greasy residue left by holding Redi Wipes may wipe their fingers on their crushed velvet seats and dispose of the wipes by chewing them silently before swallowing.

In tonight’s performance, the role of the veteran Broadway producer draped suavely over seats 1A and 1B will be played by the theater novice from Wall Street pacing anxiously in the lobby.

Throughout tonight’s performance, the role of brand-named snack goods available at the first floor concession will be played by no-name generic candies made by a company recently acquired in a private equity deal by the theater’s owners. Management regrets the transaction.

At the conclusion of tonight’s performance, the role of the bang will be played by a whimper.

We hope you enjoy the show.