Step 1: General Info
Name: (Trick question)
Address: (Again, trick question)
Social Security #: (Seriously, we want that one)
E-mail: (jk; we got it when you e-mailed this)
Online handles: (Xbox LIVE gamertags are acceptable; AIM screen names are not)
Previous experience: (Please exclude successful rickrolls)
Education: (Note: online universities are not the “iVies”)
Ethnicity:
___ Asian
___ Other
Step 2: Questionnaire*
*In answers, omit as few vowels as possible and refrain from substituting numbers for letters. Only n00bs do tht. XP
Have you ever been convicted of a felony? (If less than 17 times, please explain)
Can you keep a secret? (If “No,” skip to Step 3)
# of times friends have referenced Hackers movie after finding out what you do: (If more than 0, please explain)
If you could hack into any desert island, what would it be?
Name three pieces of hacker pop-culture that do not contain Keanu Reeves.
How much does your grandmother brag about your “computer job?”
Have you seen The IT Crowd?
What are the three worst things about Internet Explorer? (Everyone seems to hate it, so we just play along and use Google Chrome, but we really don’t know why.)
Speaking of, can you help me Google directions to the nearest The Wall? I have a lifetime guarantee on some CDs I need to exchange.
Do you remember Bing?
Man, you’ve got to see The IT Crowd. Are they bringing that to America?
You work on computers, right? Could you take a look at my PC? I feel like it’s been really slow lately.
How many dozens of anti-virus programs is too many?
We need to know how much you know about how the Internet works. So hypothetically, say someone looked at YouPorn and then cleared his browser history. His wife wouldn’t be able to find it, would she? I mean, I’m cool, right?
Sooooo, would you happen to know where one could see those Scarlett Johansson pics?
Also there’s a gentlewoman whose name the fellas have been bandying about, a Kate Upton, I do believe. She seems like a real class act. Is there somewhere on this “Internet” where one might read more about her background, perchance?
And you said that that person from the previous question is cool, right? Like, even if they’re viewing some slightly “advanced” material?
Why do I keep getting all these e-mails for Viagra and something called Rod Rocket™?
Wait, are you going through my browser history right now? But I cleared that — I thought I was cool!
What do you mean that act is illegal in 47 states!?
Oh my God, you won’t tell my wife about this, will you? It’ll destroy my family. I can’t go to jail.
Okay, get it together, man. We can figure this out.
Seriously, you can keep a secret, can’t you? Don’t narc me out, bro. I know where you live. Wait, no I don’t! GO BACK AND FILL OUT YOUR ADDRESS SO I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE!!!
Step 3: Please submit completed application to director@fbi.gov.
