Welcome back to Chase Bank here on Ashland and Roscoe. Truly great to have you with us on this beautiful Wednesday morning. This branch is not only one of the best branches in the city, but it’s quite possibly one of the best branches in the entire history of the world. You’ve just witnessed a spectacular display of customer service up at the teller window with Barbara, and now I will show you the superb benefits of a Chase Free Checking account. Goodness gracious alive. It doesn’t get any better than this.

With our free checking account you will have total access to over 7,300 Chase ATMs and 2,600 branches nationwide. I am truly stunned to hear that you had your last account over at First Federal with their despicable monthly fees and lackluster show in available ATMs. I’m shocked at their display. I scratch my head in bewilderment over the fact that you weren’t even offered online statements. They didn’t give you a choice over check safekeeping? Balderdash. That’s a terrible call. Terrible. Chase Bank is doing things we’ve never seen before from anybody — from any planet! This might very well be the best account for you in the history of Western Civilization.

There’s absolutely no minimum balance for your free checking account when using direct deposit, which is just spectacular. Just outstanding. You also get free online bill pay, and that right there is one of the true marvels of this wondrous world, if not of all the galaxies. You can actually pay your cell phone bill over the Internet. No more of those suffocating and exasperating lines at the post office. Chase is the greatest thing to happen to demand deposit accounts in a long time.

Now it doesn’t take a genius of the human spirit, or someone who went to UCLA, to understand that you might overdraw your account. That’s why the superb beings at Chase offer overdraft protection in the form of a credit card that is directly linked to your checking account. Remember that failing to prepare is preparing to fail, and that sacred cows make the best hamburger. I’m not a critic, just a reporter of the facts: Having overdraft protection is just one the true marvels of Chase Bank. Not just of this generation, but of all time. I can’t say enough about their resolve. Breathtaking move. Just remarkable.

I’m mainstream; always have been. On the other hand, I’m 6-foot-11 and I’ve got red hair, freckles, and I’m a goofy, nerdy-looking guy with a speech impediment — I stutter and stammer all the time – and to top it all off, I’m a Deadhead. But I found a safe place in life in the plethora of Chase’s personal banking services. If Chase Bank, the epitome of competitive greatness, can give a man like me or a man like you the opportunity to exceed the hype and receive a free Chase Check Card and personalized email alerts when there is suspicious activity on your account, then this surely is a momentous event in the storied history of financial institutions.

I just need you to sign here, here and then here on your debit card application. Stroke it, big man! Stroke it. I will also need a minimum amount of twenty-five dollars to open the account. Did you want to go with regular or duplicate checks? And while I’m on the phone ordering them, point a steady finger to the color scheme you prefer. Slam it down, big man! What a superb showing of grace and power. Now please write down your PIN number in that box. That’s a thing of absolute beauty. Perfection. We welcome you with open arms. Remember that this is Chase Bank’s world, we’re just lucky to be living in it.