Dear iram267@bell.net masking as Bell Mail,

I hesitate to reply to your latest e-mail given your obvious predilection for phishing. However, since you seem completely dedicated to corresponding with me, I thought it only fair that I critique your latest work.

I have mixed feelings about replying. On the one hand, any improvement in your e-mails may increase the chances that some poor soul will fall for your ploy. On the other hand, I simply can no longer tolerate the surfeit of grammatical, spelling and syntactical errors, not to mention your complete and total ignorance of my e-mail account.

I recommend that you give top priority to any spelling errors. These are dead giveaways that you are not my legitimate Internet service provider. For example, “you e-mail” should presumably read “your e-mail,” and when you use “you will disconnect,” I assume you mean “you will be disconnected.”

I don’t want to be too picky, but when you say I will “loose access” to my account, I think you want to say “lose access,” unless you are commenting on my admittedly tenuous Internet connection.

I sympathize with you, as “it apparent” that English “not be” your first or even second language. However, I suspect that you are doing fairly well financially with this latest endeavor and therefore can afford to hire an English-speaking editor. That simple measure alone will likely increase your success rate tenfold (that means ten times as much).

Sadly, English grammar also does not appear to be one of your strong suits. “As part of our effort to improve your experience across our consumer services” is not a complete sentence. Moreover, while “Protecting your account is a matter taking seriously” expresses a lovely sentiment, grammatically it is just plain wrong.

I don’t profess to have more than minimal computer skills, but even I was mystified by your statement that my “Mail Box” is “running at 99.8 gigabytes.” That seems like an awfully huge storage number particularly given that my daily data usage barely registers in the realm of megabytes.

Far be it from me to advise expert phishers like you as to what is a more credible storage target, but you might want to consider investing in a random number generator to come up with a variety of numbers. That way you would have at least an outside chance of fooling someone even less tech-savvy than me.

I appreciate the fact that you have not carried through with your threats of cancelled service notwithstanding that I have yet to click on any link you have provided me. That demonstrates a measure of sympathy and respect that sadly I have not received from the alphabetically-challenged neusyetraiaoack@wuaylaiouayn.ru masking as PayPal Canada, who has repeatedly suspended my PayPal account. The latest suspension was because “an error was detected in your informations.” Although I was “currently made disabled of” all aspects of my registration, it seems that the matter was quickly rectified since I had no problem accessing my PayPal account later that same day.

I hope you will heed my advice. Although it would be preferable if you gave up phishing entirely for a healthier hobby like pistol shooting or self-tattooing, it would give me some small comfort to know that you will be fleecing my compatriots by maintaining the highest standards of English language usage.

By the way, if you have found my advice to be at all helpful, you might want to click on the link below to access my website “Dave’s tips for non-English-speaking phishers.” I assure you that it will be, as you might say, “worth you wile.”

Your cyberbuddy,

Dave Martin