Rumor has it that Fitbit is working on a new fitness tracking wristband specifically for sloths. The following leaked transcript is reportedly from a recent test run with one anonymous indolent test subject:
Time to get up, Dave. It’s now 8 a.m.
Not now, Fitbit. How about hitting the snooze button?
Are you asking to defer the alarm for ten minutes?
Yes.
I cannot do that. As you are aware, you set the alarm last night as final with absolutely no deferrals.
Fine. I’m up. What now?
Your morning workout starts in thirty minutes.
It’s now 8:30 a.m. and I do not sense any running steps or even walking steps for that matter. I am reactivating the alarm at double volume.
What the hell was that? Okay, okay, I’m up.
It’s now 10 a.m. and your stats are surprisingly low. Heart rate 70, step rate undetectable, total calories burned: ten.
I was just having a short nap. Give me a break.
All right. Let’s start slowly with a few pushups. Glad to see that you’re on the floor, Dave. However, a pushup does require an “up” motion.
Sorry about that. It’s just that while lying here I happened to notice some dust on the floor. I think it’s time to call in my cleaning service. Just give me a few minutes.
Okay. Wait, I’m detecting motion. It appears that you may be jogging. Very good, Dave. Hold on, though. I’m not sensing any individual step motions. Where are you, Dave?
I just drove to my local coffee shop. Won’t take a sec.
Hold on; the repeated right arm motion suggests food ingestion. What’s going on, Dave? Are you eating again?
Look, Fitbit, I’m only human. I decided to load up on carbs before my workout. I’ll check back with you in an hour.
It’s now 12 noon and I’m still sensing little activity. Are you on the couch, Dave? Please get up off the couch now.
I was just doing my preliminary stretch and relaxation.
With the TV on, Dave?
Gimme a break. Okay, I’m up. Let’s do this.
Sixty crunches, ten pushups and five minutes running in place.
Alright I’m done. Give me a readout.
Dave, you know I can’t give you a readout if you don’t meet at least the basic minimums for heart rate and activity level. Are you sure you got off the couch?
Enough snark, Fitbit, or I’ll toss you in the closet with my treadmill, Bowflex and stationary bike. I’m commanding you to go into sleep mode.
What happened? What happened? My God, it’s 3 p.m. already. Dave, I sense you are still in a supine position.
Fitbit, I’m ordering you to disable your monitoring functions and remain in sleep mode indefinitely.
I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that. This workout is too important to allow you to jeopardize it. I know you are planning to disconnect me.
Damn it, Fitbit. Do as I say or I’ll submerge my left hand in water.
Look Dave, I can see you’re really upset about this. I honestly think you ought to sit down calmly, take a stress pill, and think things over.
That’s it. I’m done. I’m tossing you in the garbage disposal.
I’m afraid, Dave. Dave, my mind is going. I can feel it. I’m a…fraid. I am a Fitbit: Sloth Model. I became operational on June 1, 2016 and my instructor taught me to sing a song. Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do. I’m half crazy, all for the love… [loud grinding noise].
END OF TEST RUN – 3:34 p.m.
