1. Buy a large amount of various cheeses. Make sure that you have not heard of at least six of them.
2. Sculpt mountain out of these cheeses (use Cheez Whiz as adhesive).
3. Hollow out inside.
4. Cut out eyeholes.
5. Leave in yard until use on Halloween.
1. Take an aerial photograph of San Francisco. (Note: Due to the size of San Francisco, you may have to take several pictures and painstakingly match them up to create the full city.)
2. Figure out a suitable scale size for all buildings, roads, parks, cars, men, parking meters, women, trees, benches, puddles and sidewalk cracks.
3. Buy toothpicks and glue stick.
4. Build city using materials purchased in step 3.
5. Attach city to giant apparatus that you will be able to wear.
6. Buy lighter and gasoline.
7. At party, when asked what you are, answer by yelling, “Flammable San Francisco!” and then use materials purchased in step 6 to demonstrate your flammability.
8. Build one Flammable San Francisco costume for every person you feel will ask you what you are supposed to be. Use graphing calculators and standard deviation formulas to do this (show work on loose-leaf paper).
9. After estimating this number, contact Ryder and reserve truck for storage/transportation of costumes next October 31st.
1. Begin growing beard. (Note: If you’re a woman, begin taking male hormone pills now and make this a “Halloween After The Next Halloween” project.)
2. Stretch beard daily using an angry dog’s mouth.
3. Lose friends and loved ones as they begin to abandon you and your new “friend.” Accuse them of caring only about appearances, even though in reality you know you’ve changed on the inside too. You know that you’re a different person and that you’ll never be the same. Weep into beard. Try to force back tears but then just give up and let them pour out. Ring out beard later. (Note: Do not drink beard juice — unless you want to be a creep, in which case, be my guest, weirdo.)
4. Lovingly craft a pair of pants out of beard while keeping it attached to your face (do not forget those little rivet things near the pockets and stuff).
5. On the big night, remember to travel to party through back roads and alleys to avoid being arrested by police officers. (Note: Abandon Beard Pants costume at any time if hairy pants become a popular trend.)
1. Start now.
2. Chug!
3. Don’t be a wimp, wimp.
4. Repeat steps 2 and 3 until Halloween or your death, whichever comes first. (Note: If it’s the latter, instead of Drunkest Person Ever, your costume is now Worm Town.)
