The Runway’s End
A traveling salesman gets snowed in at the Kansas City airport. He does not meet his soul mate at the Terminal D bar. He does not overcome years of crippling self-hatred by loudly berating the ticket agent. And he does not encounter a gay politician in the men’s room. He does, however, end up staying at the airport’s Courtyard by Marriott, where he eats an old bagel for dinner and watches the last half of Law & Order before finding a pubic hair in the ice bucket. The next morning, he wakes up with a crick in his neck, then flies back to his flat-chested wife in Greensboro.
Ollie and Friskers
Ollie the French bulldog and Friskers the tabby cat get accidently left behind when their owners move. The pets begin a long journey home by navigating forests, torrential downpours, and junkyards. Friskers loses a leg to a coyote. Ollie gets Lyme disease. And even though they end up dying slowly and sadly from exposure, when people see them trotting along in the Interstate’s median, they do imagine Friskers being voiced by Dakota Fanning and Ollie by Tim Allen.
Here Come the Zombies
At 5:05 a.m. on a Sunday, after lots of red wine the night before, a disheveled mother makes waffles for her toddler, while her husband eats a handful of Rolaids before passing out, face down, in the sports section.
My Crazy Bridesmaid
A nutjob bridesmaid ruins a wedding by making a pass at the groom and wearing shoes that are decidedly fuchsia and NOT salmon. It would be nice if a heartfelt toast made up for everything in the end, or if a dazzling wedding gift was given as a peace offering. But the whole time she’s on her honeymoon, the bride just ends up yammering on and on about how much she totally hates the bridesmaid, forcing the groom to pretty much drink his way through St. Croix and wonder what the hell he’s just done with the rest of his life.
Greasy Days
This documentary follows several dozen people and their fast food eating habits over the course of a few months. None of them gets heart disease or food poisoning, and most of them don’t eat out all that often, but when they do, 51 percent prefer chicken to beef even if the chicken is fried because it just sort of seems healthier. Also, a few people sometimes eat in their cars so they can listen to The Clark Howard Show.
My Reliable Love
At a 25th high school reunion, a divorced woman marches straight past her sophomore year boyfriend, straight past the nerd who ended up cute, and straight past the former quarterback, and directly to the veggie tray where she sees, with much delight, that the ranch dip is Hidden Valley brand.
Into the Danger Zone
A young man goes off to war and his girlfriend pines for him daily. That is, until she starts working at the Tat Shack and falls for a guy named Rico. The soldier doesn’t have any battle scenes, but he does take up dipping Skoal. After about 6 months, he realizes that his love-hate relationship with the desert is actually more hate.
Something’s Going On
In a regular suburban house — a house that looks just like any other — a family is besieged by terror when they start hearing strange sounds and misplacing small valuables. Then they find out their iguana has a cold and that the Molly Maids are common thieves.
Search for the Milky Way
A kid dressed as an astronaut raids his sister’s Halloween candy.
Wall Street III
A banker gets laid off but it’s okay because he really likes cupcakes and is pretty decent at baking and there’s kind of a cupcake craze going on these days anyway.
One of God’s Children
Deep in the slums of Bombay, there’s a boy who knows nothing about game show trivia. But he will bite off your ear for a teaspoon of couscous.
