I know, I know. I’ve been a bit distracted lately. I may have missed a meeting or two. I’m no longer on track to complete those goals we set up at my last performance review. I just want to set your mind at ease. My addiction to Candy Crush totally supports our company’s Mission Statement.

Go ahead and read over the Mission Statement. It’s posted on the wall right behind you. I’d read it myself, but I can’t look up from my phone right now. I’m close to completing this level, and I need to stay focused. But do you see that part about “Continuous Improvement?” That’s what Candy Crush is all about! The first few levels are simple. You line up three in a row of the same color, you clear the jelly, and you move up. Nothing could be easier. But it doesn’t stay easy. Things get real in a hurry. Or as real as they can in an alternate universe that sort of resembles the by-product of a drunken one-night stand between Bejeweled and Candyland that ended with broken latex and achingly sweet regret.

Now look at the third sentence. It says, “We strive to maintain a customer-centric approach.” What do you think our customers really want? Detailed product specifications? Accurate delivery dates? Please. I talk to these people every day. They might pretend to care about that boring crap, but that’s just to keep their bosses happy. What our customers really want are extra Candy Crush lives. And the only way to send them lives is to be logged into the game at all times. Just ask my buddy Kevin how clutch I was, sending him that life at three a.m. last Wednesday. Did I mention that Kevin’s first cousin is the husband of the Director of Purchasing for one of our biggest clients? I don’t see how I could possibly be any more customer-centric than that.

And what about that part about “Promoting Synergies Across All Business Platforms?” To be perfectly honest with you, I’m not even sure what that means. But yesterday I completed levels 102 and 103 while sitting in the dreaded fourth stall of the men’s room. You have to admit I’m promoting synergies across platforms most of your employees don’t even what to think about.

Now check out the end where it says, “Maintain a Lean Enterprise.” Do you realize I’m holding down the Candy Crush sector of this organization all by myself? That frees up everyone else for all that mundane stuff that is also important in its own way, like marketing and shipping, and actually making whatever it is we make here. And I’m on it around the clock. You’ll never need to worry about hiring a third shift Candy Crush Coordinator as long as I’m here.

This task I’ve taken on is not easy. Candy Crush is not all fun and games. The Lollipop Forest is a deep, dark, sticky place. And don’t get me started on the sugary horrors of the Peppermint Palace. That place…it stays with you forever. So when you get close, but can’t quite complete a level, the urge to hurl your phone across the room and scream “Suck my sour balls!” gets pretty strong. And I know that can be distracting to other employees. But now that you know what’s at stake, can you blame me?