Pull-Ups to Start-Ups Parents and Guardians,

You all should be happy to know that your children did quite well in their Customer Data Aggregation Practicum today (except the Fischers, as I’m afraid young Tina just can’t seem to understand that if you didn’t want us monitoring your conversations, you would be conducting them in sign language in an empty, windowless room). However, as I was reviewing some of the data that your children had collected on you to see how our school newsletter’s ads could better suit your individual needs, I happened to hear a rather disturbing conversation on the feed of a webcam in one of your babies’ pacifiers (I won’t say whose baby this was, as we keep all data anonymous to preserve your privacy).

In this video, a woman who appears to be the sister of a PUSU parent (who shall remain nameless outside of my personal notes and those of the other staff and students) was expressing her doubts about some of the methods we’ve been using here at Pull-Ups to Start-Ups. Naturally, controlling the opinions of customers’ loved ones is a critical part of brand management (Silicon Valley wouldn’t be investing so much money in developing robot lookalikes of all our family members if it wasn’t). Thus, I’m going to nip these slanderous comments in the bud, and assure all of you that if you’d seen some of the results from your children’s Data Aggregation Practicum, you’d realize that all of your siblings are depraved and should not be trusted.

Now, onto the specific concerns raised. It was suggested that having eight hours of class followed by eight more hours of homework is too much, as four-year-olds need time to play. However, for a true software engineer, coding is playing, and the only way to ensure that all of your children feel that way is to keep them too busy to engage in any other sort of recreation. In Plato’s Code Cave, work is the only fun they know.

Second, while my lawyer informs me that we can’t deny that staring at a screen for sixteen hours every day may have a less-than-positive effect on the development of our Junior Entrepreneurs’ eyes, this shouldn’t be seen as a bad thing. If your finger is on the pulse of tech, you’ll know that by the time your children reach high school, brain implant technology with have made the primitive five senses as obsolete as face-to-face conversations, so a little blindness won’t be holding anyone back. To the contrary, there is evidence to suggest that having a disability can provide an entrepreneur with extra drive to create a business or product that can help with their condition, and there’s nothing more important than the will to succeed. Besides, suggesting that a visual impairment is something bad that should be avoided is ableist discrimination, and we have no place for that at Pull-Ups to Start-Ups Technical Preschool.

Also, it was claimed that our “only tattle if you’re blaming a scapegoat for widespread misconduct in which you’re a participant” policy teaches children to be hypocritical. This is nonsense. What is hypocritical is spending years working tirelessly to advance your career — neglecting your family, your love life, your scheduled doctor’s appointment to see why you’ve been coughing up blood — only to say that you don’t deserve what you’ve earned just because you “harassed” a few coworkers or “sold an untested AI program to the military and assured them it was safe to put in control of our nuclear stockpile” or whatever. That’s what’s hypocritical.

Finally, it was insinuated that if I knew as much about what it takes to found a billion-dollar company as I claim, that I would have done so instead of founding a preschool in Nebraska. Apparently it didn’t occur to the sister in question that, while majority ownership in a billion-dollar company is obviously worth taking out a second mortgage on your soul for, education is priceless, as is helping our children attain it. Besides, you all know what the tuition here is, so it’s not like I’m stuck using a two-year-old iPhone or anything. And anyone familiar with startup culture knows that just because I lost my seed funding and went under six times doesn’t mean I wouldn’t have succeeded the seventh if my mom wasn’t so small-minded as to insist that she’d only invest again if I moved back home and started a business catering to people she personally knew to be suckers.

Anyway, I hope this has assuaged any concerns you may have had. If you have any further questions, don’t hesitate to reach out to me, or just state them clearly while within a twenty-meter radius of any of your electrical appliances or children’s toys.

Yours,

Peter Bolton
Founder, CEO & Principal
Pull-Ups to Start-Ups Technical Preschool