Lola
Five years old, her love of eating Polly Pockets is used for material in her new powerful eating disorder memoir, Polly Pocket Eater, This is Me. She’s already won the Glamour Activist Baby of the Year Prize, but the award was taken away from her when she tried to eat it.

Jupiter
Four years old, after two whole years in timeout for an undisclosed crime. Her tell-all has been much awaited and hailed as the new Orange is the New Black for cuter and younger people. Jupiter is the bad girl of the baby literary world and recently got in trouble at a People Magazine shoot for throwing up on her outfit and then saying she’d only pose nude.

Daffodil
Three years old, Daffodil’s famous novelist father encouraged her from a very young age and helped her get her first book of poetry published, My Father Is Famous But What Is Fame? A stirring line from one of her poems, “Roses me likey, Mommy cheat on Daddy,” recently went viral and can be seen on onesies all across Brooklyn. In her spare time, she likes to eat daffodils and cry loudly on the subway.

Ned
Five years old, his take on male privilege has set the baby literary world afire! He wrote a four-page waterproof book that you can read while bathing about his journey realizing he was white called, I Am White But Also Ned! The book also contains some fascinating tidbits, like “I like baths! Showers suck! Is race but a construct?”

Rainbow
Two years old, her fashion self-help book was inspired by the unbearable pain she felt when seeing more unfashionable babies at the playground. She is the first baby ever to share her style guidance with others, and her new book Me Cute! is trending in baby communities! Her #1 fashion don’t is “One-year-olds who dress up like bears…Like, they aren’t bears. So stop trying to make it happen…”

Baby Bo
Fetus, his scathing tell-all about what it’s really like to live inside his mother will be out as soon as he is!