As your new significant other, I understand that you will want me to meet certain needs. And who knows more about meeting people’s needs than our nation’s health insurance providers? That’s why I am following their lead and presenting you with this new high-deductible boyfriend plan. The high-deductible plan gives you the quality, value, and flexibility to craft a relationship that is right for you. I strongly encourage you to get down to business and take steps toward meeting the deductible as soon as possible. In the meantime, keep in mind that many benefits are available to you right away. For example:

From day one you can rely on me to escort you to an unlimited number of weddings.*

*Provided the wedding is local, has an open bar, and you are willing to drive to and from. The following weddings do not apply until after the deductible has been met: out of town weddings, cash bar weddings, and weddings where you want me to act as designated driver so you can get sloppy drunk.

When it comes to fixing things around the house, I fully encourage you to demonstrate your abilities as a strong, capable woman and do it yourself. But if you would like me to fix something for you, this plan has a generous two-tiered provision for home repairs. Tier One Repairs are eligible immediately. This tier encompasses all repairs requiring duct tape, super glue, and/or WD-40. They are covered at 100% for the first five minutes and 50% for up to ten minutes after that (after five minutes my efforts will become noticeably half-assed). Tier Two is for all repairs that require actual tools. This tier does not apply until after you meet the deductible.

You will notice my avid interest in electronics, as evidenced by my ability to spend countless hours watching ESPN and playing XBOX. As a side benefit, electronics repair is covered at 100% right from the start. That’s right! Effective immediately I will repair any of your electronic items that do not function properly.*

*Repair services are limited to the following: 1) Pressing the “on” button; 2) Plugging it in; 3) Unplugging it, then plugging it back in; 4) Flipping a wall switch; 5) Flipping a circuit breaker; 6) Re-booting; 7) Replacing batteries. For battery replacement, the batteries must be readily available, and the battery compartment must be accessible without the use of a screwdriver.

Removal/elimination of small, slow moving insects is covered 100%.*

*Provided they do not resemble a scaled-down version of that thing from Aliens.

This plan includes some exciting new movie options, including romantic comedies. This benefit is available before you meet the deductible.*

*Under this option I agree to watch one romantic comedy per month, which I will select from a list of “in-network” movies. Please note that movies from the Die Hard and Spider-Man franchises are included on the list of “in-network” romantic comedies.

This plan also has a special provision for dinner and game-night with one annoying vegan friend and her dull, non-sports-watching boyfriend.*

*This benefit is limited to one occurrence per calendar year.

Deductible Q & A

Q: How do I meet the deductible?

A: There are many things you can do to help reach the deductible. Most of them are not entirely unpleasant.

Q: How do I know how close I am to meeting the deductible?

A: I created a handy chart that will display your progress. Our healthy relationship is represented by a fruit basket. Every time you do something that brings you closer to meeting the deductible, an appropriate-sized piece of fruit will show up in the basket. When the basket is full, your deductible has been met. It’s that simple!

Q: Isn’t this just a ploy for your sexual gratification?

A: Nothing could be further from the truth. Only some of the fruit-bearing tasks have a sexual component, and tasks of a non-sexual nature generally yield larger numbers of fruit. For example, making me dinner is worth three grapes. Having intimate relations with me during a long weekend when I have decided not to shower or shave is worth one grapefruit. Bringing over your crazy-hot college roommate for a night of drunken strip poker is worth a watermelon. Picking me up from the airport is worth five craisins. The variety is endless, and the choices are all yours. Remember, this plan was created with your satisfaction in mind.