Dear Sir,

We were disappointed to see your recent one-star Google review of our pet boarding center. As our goal is to be the finest animal housing facility in the 1700 block of Broadway Blvd, we strive for 100% customer satisfaction. Please let us address some of the concerns raised in your review.

Concern #1: “My dog no longer understands anything I say.”

Response: As you no doubt remember from our 36-page introductory brochure, each dog spending a week or more here is given the opportunity to spend a portion of their boarding experience abroad as part of our language immersion program. It sounds like the problem is that, while your dog has grown in varied and profound ways, you remain stuck in a past that no longer exists. While your dog wants to discuss the brush techniques and use of effets de soir by the Impressionists, you want him to fetch a bouncy ball. While your dog wants to debate the effects of the current debt crisis on the long-term viability of the euro, you want him to “sit.” Here’s an idea — instead of “sit,” try one of these: “sjedi” (Croatian), “istu” (Finnish) or “said” (Polish). An even better idea: ask your dog about his cultural experience. It will draw the two of you closer.

Concern #2: “House of Ruff cost about $5 a day more than other facilities in the area.”

Response: You do realize we flew your dog to Europe so he could learn Polish, right?

Concern #3: “I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I’m pretty sure my dog now has a Republican agenda.”

Response: What do you mean “now” has a Republican agenda? Almost every dog is right-leaning. Family values, strong national defense, personal responsibility — these are core beliefs for the vast majority of canines. It is a complete coincidence that the man who comes by every afternoon to give tummy rubs and spoonfuls of peanut butter bears a strong resemblance to Newt Gingrich and that the man doling out disciplinary snout slaps looks a little like Barack Obama. Our policy is not to support any particular politician or party, although we do encourage active debate among our boarders by providing complementary copies of National Review and the Wall Street Journal.

Concern #4: “I think my dog may have a cocaine addiction.”

Response: This is one of the more common complaints that we hear. First off, let’s not overreact by throwing around the word “addiction.” Many dogs use recreational drugs on an occasional basis without developing physical or psychological dependence.

Since a dog boarding facility is a lot like a college dormitory, all of our dogs are required to watch a PowerPoint presentation originally created for freshmen orientation at Arizona State. It covers topics from binge drinking to sexual harassment, and includes a slide about illegal drug use. So, yes, we do take this issue very seriously.

Now, we do admit that it is pretty easy to get illegal substances here. We suspect this is due to our proximity to and affiliation with Camp Second Chances, one of the nation’s premier rehabilitation programs for household pets. Each Saturday night, we host a mixer for animals staying at the two facilities. The upside to this relationship is the strong positive impact our dogs have on the Second Chance animals. The downside, of course, is that a select few of our boarders may develop a taste for cocaine/ecstasy/salvia or be recruited into one of the local gangs, like the Eastside Kennel Krips, the WestMinster Mafia, or the Kanine Kings.

That being said, shouldn’t illegal drug abuse reflect more on the dog’s parent (i.e. you) than a temporary boarding facility? Let’s say you left your dog with us for a week — that’s like two months in dog years. If you abandoned your son for two months, would you be surprised if he fell in with the wrong crowd? Especially if you abandoned him right next to a camp for drug addicts? Sorry, but this one is on you, chief.

Hopefully this clears up any lingering concerns you have. We hope that you’ll consider the International House of Ruff for your future boarding needs. We have attached a 5%-off coupon, which is transferable to Camp Second Chances in case your dog makes the decision to get off the powder.

Best Wishes,

International House of Ruff