I. Hello and welcome to Second Amendment of Constitution for United States. Is very important you don’t read this in Russian accent. As this is defineetly not being written by Russians from future who realized best way to destroy evil United States was go back in time and insert this amendment into your laws forever. I did not mean to write “evil” there. Was accident. Why would I, Benjemin Franclen, call my own country that I love very much “evil?” The United States is great place, and only slightly inferior to Russia, the country I am not from and whose crisp spring breeze has never sweetly caressed my cheek. Now, time to list details of this, the amendment that will surely not ravage your country, I mean “our country,” for rest of time…
II. To make U of SA safe, is necessary all citizens have right to own gun. And not just one gun, but as many as person can fit in closet or hole they dug in yard of trailer park. This right is for everyone! Would be ridiculous to take a man’s guns away just because he was batshit crazy, or involved in series of escalating domestic incidents that seemed destined to come to violent end. Furthermore, if too many shootings ever becomes issue, the answer will never be to remove guns from populace. When has a problem ever been solved by eliminating the thing that caused it? Sure, guy in bank line might pull 9mm out of Jockeys and shoot place up. But guy behind him might pull .45 out of Hanes and shoot first guy. Is recipe for healthy democracy! We, Framers of Constitution, anticipate day when there are 300 million people in America and 100 million guns! Imagine how safe from guns we will be on that day when we all have guns! May sound crazy, but trust me, is good idea and not part of rival country’s plot to destroy your nation from within.
III. We have touched on quantity, now is time to talk technology — which is word I believe exists in this time period but am not totally for certain. In future, people may say we Founding Fathers couldn’t envision advances in gun capability. Is nonsense!!! Right now, me and Tommas Jeferssinin are sitting next to each other making discussion of gun ideas. Here is list of possible possibilities off top of our heads: laser scope. Silencer. Body armor. Bushmaster AR-15 with Fiber-optic Red-Bar front sight. Will any of these things be invented? Who knows? But point is, this amendment should serve as blanket recognition that we foresaw all of them. So go to gun show and buy as much artillery as kiddie-porn enthusiast in BluBlockers will sell you, then keep it with you at ALL times. You’ll want it when you’re having bad day — which we all have! Note: I capitalized “ALL” not out of unfamiliarity with English language but to emphasize importance!
IV. Now, is possible many citizens of Mother America will be killed in mass shootings. People will use these as excuse to further anti-gun agenda, which is the great tragedy of it all. Also the dead children. Massacres may occur anywhere. Schools. Churches. Dave & Busters arcade/restaurant hybrids (which I foresee being Ultimate Destination for those who enjoy four-way air hockey and loaded tots). But I implore you, when gunmen use military-grade weapons to slaughter civilians with maximum efficiency, Americans must do sensible thing: blame rap music. Gun is not problem! Gun is good, with many non-violent uses! You could stir noodles with it. Use it to perforate paper to fit in binder. Spin it on dinner table and person it points to gets biggest piece of chicken. So many possibilities! Still, after tragedies people will say law is stupid and not changing it would be literal definition of insanity. Яidiculous!!! This is price of freedom!!! Take it from me, intelligent Patriot who is not vindictive adversary hoping Americans will butcher each other in endless cycle of violence. Besides, if killer didn’t use gun he would have used knife or slingshot or sock full of dominos, and been just as effective.
V. This section is dedicated all to gun safety. Be safe out there.
VI. Now is time for conclusion. Americans are like weeds (in a good way) and part of living in Greatest Country on Earth is knowing anywhere you go someone could be waiting to shoot you in face. Accept it! Life isn’t all rainbows and four-way air hockey. Important thing is you strictly adhere to most radical interpretation of this amendment no matter what. Dig those heels so far in you’re up to your nipples in shit! And when in doubt, take opinion of politicians you deem most likely to use N-word in private. Is good rule of thumbs! Back in Moscow, which I have never been to, we have saying…”Above all, seek truth.” In this case, truth is staring you right in face: anyone who wants to remove this amendment…is not real American.
