Minimize the amount of money and credit cards that you carry with you on a daily basis to avoid theft. In the event that you need money or credit cards, steal them.
When being robbed, remain as calm as possible. Don’t make any quick or sudden movements. Often the criminal is as scared and nervous as you. Remember: over 45 percent of first-time robbers are bears.
Always carry some form of identification. A label in your clothing will help police to identify your severely mangled, repeatedly penetrated corpse in the event that you are severely mangled then repeatedly penetrated by an attacker.
A bag that dangles from the shoulder can be easily yanked off your shoulder by someone coming up from behind. Glue all belongings to your face and body with fast-binding adhesive.
While enjoying a walk in a city park, take care to avoid hilly and steep paths. If you should fall and roll down a hill, thieves may rob you on the way down, and you will be powerless to stop them.
Closely supervise your children when they play in public areas. If you spot them being robbed, run as quickly as you can to the parking lot and lock your belongings in your car. Do not remove them until the robber has finished robbing your children and is safely on his way.
Weld your garage door shut at night to prevent car theft. In the morning, drive through the garage door at full speed, immediately dispatching any burglars attempting to break in from the other side.
Stay on well-lit, populated streets at all times. It is a well-known fact that thieves will never attempt to rob you in crowded, distracting areas with the harsh glare of the sun in your eyes.
When explaining the details of a crime to authorities, be sure to omit certain details while inventing others. Tactics like this keep the instincts of our city’s fine detectives honed and whip-sharp, where they need to be.
Should someone attempt to verbally harass you, continue walking and ignore them. Responding to this kind of behavior will only escalate the situation. Instead, follow them home at a discreet distance. When they fall asleep, kill them.
Carry large sums of cash on your person at all times. Displays of wealth make robbers feel too depressed about their own state in life to rob you.
Never leave luggage or other expensive items unattended at airports or taxi stands. When extinguishing a cigarette in a designated airport smoking area, take care not to leave any Rolex watches in the ashtray by accident. Never carry your wallet in your rear pants pocket. This makes your butt look fat. Instead, keep your wallet out at all times, “fanning” your money outwards in a Ted DiBiase-like display of wealth, so that females — and not robbers — become attracted to you.
When driving, travel on well-lighted, populated roadways whenever possible and keep the doors of the vehicle locked. Be wary of other motorists who give you vague warnings while on the road. In 78 percent of cases, this means that the stranger you are conversing with on your cell phone has a hook for a hand, and is actually in the backseat getting ready to ventilate your skull. The other motorists aren’t harassing you — they have been trying to warn you, all along.
